Too Much Time Alone

I'm not sure if I should be writing this tonight as I am not sure it will make any type of sense at all. I have been sitting here, again, in the dark just thinking of how I wish my life could be. I have been drinking. I'm not sure that helps at all, but it kind of dulls the thoughts for a change. I keep thinking about my last appointment I had with my counselor. It was a very rough session for me. I would say probably one of the toughest ones I have had. At one point, he asked me about short-term disability at work as he was thinking it might be best for me to maybe go and admit myself into a hospital in order to get some constant help and just time away to get my head back on straight. Not necessarily something that a person who always needs to be in control needs to hear. That is what I get for being honest. He asked me if I had thoughts of suicide and I answered him truthfully. I know that is what I am supposed to do, but it is not anything that I would ever follow through with; at least not at this time. These holiday weekends are so hard. I hate work; however, it does give me a reason to get out of the house and actually interact with other people. By having an extra day, it just gives me more time to be alone and wish for things that I probably have no right wishing for and will never have. I am to that point where I just don't want to be alone anymore. It hurts. But, yet, not just anyone will do to spend my time with. I know where and with whom I want to be, but there are so many road blocks that it gets overwhelming. I am so tired of having to fight for everything. I don't know how much more fight I actually have left in me.