Self Imprisonment

and it's my own damn fault but I can't control this horrible anxiety I've developed over the last couple of years about leaving my "safe Place" at home.  I have a very nice family, and a circle of good friends but I know they are tired of my excuses for not seeing them.  I know they think I am just lazy which makes me feel even worse about myself & makes me even more anxious about seeing them.  I am so messed up in my head I can't think straight anymore. 

  I live with my functioning alcoholic husband of 20 yrs who can be very mentally abusive, altho he claims he would never do that to me.  I feel guilty because I am not a better wife, person, mother, pet owner, and he plays on that whether he does it conciously or not.   He gets mad at me very easily & goes around slamming doors & things & it scares the bejeezus out of me, even tho I realize EVERY one does those things when they are angry....I just don't know how other people can just ignore it.  I literally hide in my room...we have separate rooms which started about 2 yrs ago because he said I snore too much & he can't get any rest, so now I sleep on the couch in the "family" room.  

I haven't had a job for the last 10 yrs because I was "retired" by the company I worked for for 25 yrs because I couldn't keep up with awful changes they were making in their policies towards customers(I was a cust service rep for a large phone company).  Which was actually the beginning of my constant depression(I've been in treatment & on meds since I was "retired") & eventual self imposed loneliness. 

ugh, basically I guess I am self loathing & can't expect others to like me either.  This probably isn't even the right place to be writing this...sorry.

sparkless sparkless
56-60, F
Mar 3, 2009