"another Saturday Night & I Ain't Got Nobody" Woe Is Me

Argh, here late 30's, alone with the cats, another pathetic weekend.

Trying to grow & heal, it's a loooooooong road (as y'all know). Currently in psych rehab,  DBT & therapy . Have signed myself into psych hospital three times, fourth time was involuntary b/c woke up in E.R. after suicide attempt. Have bit the bullet (so to speak), applied for SSDI & just got disability housing.

Former "Shaken Baby" here (mom was 19 & had Postpartum Depression), got shaken until brother was born. How do I know this? Started therapy (age 21) & mom must have felt guilty, said she stopped b/c  she had started on my brother & "realiZed it was wrong". Brother is very successful now, albeit type "A", with a stellar career & family. I wonder who I'd  be otherwise???Don't get me wrong, I'm kind, honest generous & creative (not to toot my own horn or anything), however...I always will wonder "what if'? Also molested by uncle at ages 1 1/2 & 5, witnessed brother get physically abused by father. Trust? What's that???

This tumultuous life has consisted of approx. 26 apartments, homelessness, YMCA housing (Bedbugs), 30 roommates,  BFA, certification(ha, ha, psych & otherwise!!)(3 colleges, one trade school), 40 lovers (2 physically abusive, 4 emotionally abusive), 1 STD,  25 art galleries (yay, me!), 2 rabbits (- 2, gave away), 4 cats(-1 ,gave away), 1. 24 hour puppy (returned her), 4 foster raccoons, 1 foster skunk,  numerous jobs (hurts head to try & recall how many) , have given away all possessions couple times over. 

Have tried talk therapy, Reiki, Massage therapy, Polarity, Acupuncture, Yoga, Phoenix Rising Yoga, EFT,EMDR & DBT!!! Happy to report that after 21 years I actually STOPPED self harm, true MIRACLE. 

Basically life has been an extreme roller coaster. 

Would like to be "normal" someday...whatever THAT is!!

 

optomisticallychallenged optomisticallychallenged
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 13, 2010

Wow, but on a serious note.....despite everything, at least you are trying to do something about your situation, I see alot of drug users that walk in and out of clinics everyday that just don't care, they use people. they get hooked on masking agents and only comply with DTO's because they will stay out of prison. <br />
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When I see people with genuine hard luck such as yourself, I at first become judgemental and think 'oh, here's another one' but that is only because of the minority, and it is the minority, that leach off society and take for granted the blessings and opportunities we all are given from day one. <br />
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I would stick to your creative side, i'm sure that you find peace in doing so. <br />
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Take care.<br />
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P.s. There is no such thing as normal, so don't bother trying to be it. Some one as rich and fortunate as Bill Gates could throw it all away tommorow, if they wanted and it would be called life.