It's Just The Way My Life Has Gone

I always knew I was lonely, or that I was needing for attention. When my sister left to study over seas and my best friend moved away, I felt as if I literally had no one and that the people I did have, were gone. I always had so much time on my hands. I would always try to finish my homework as quick as possible so I could day dream and do what I want. I liked going out and spending time with friends, but never realized till now that I enjoyed being alone.

I guess because I have always been alone, family wasn't there for me, friends weren't, I just always had myself and believe that I had more time to be me than other people usually get. I remember crying and saying to myself "Im so alone. Im so alone" but the more I look at it, I am now accustomed to be alone and I push people away because of it. I would love if my sister and best friend were still around, but I noticed that when they visited I couldn't stand them for too long (my sister lived with us for a month and my best friend stayed with me for a week) and I got annoyed and irratated with both of them, as much as I longed for them when they were gone.

I just couldn't handle being around them too much, sacrificing my alone time. Guys who would want to date me or try being with me, I would push them away and barely see them because as much as I felt like I wanted them, I didn't want a relationship. That would mean me giving up so much of my time and energy on another person and I saw that I didn't want to do that, atleast not now. As much as I liked a guy, not just my low self-esteem would make me not even want to try, it would be the need to be alone sometimes. Sometimes I would just turn off my phone for a day or a night because I couldn't stand the vibration all the time, as much as I loved talking to people and being with them, I just couldn't do it for too long. Now that I read some stories and examined things I am coming to grips with the fact that me being lonely at times is healthy and me wanting to be alone isn't all that bad, I can still function. I just don't want it to ruin any relationships I have or push away new ones to come.

theConfused theConfused
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2010

It is simply that we are the judge of everyone and ourselves constantly. This makes it very difficult to be with anyone for any length of time. It is the low self-esteem and self-hatred creeping in no matter how we try to keep it out. You were born with an inquiring mind, sensitivity, intelligence, yet you feel unable to cope with this crazy life. I encourage you to use your smarts to go on a journey of discovery. Find out about things like co-dependence and our need to act and please others to win their love and attention. Whatever trauma you have endured in your young life is the driving force behind your behavior. There is a fear deep inside that comes and it can be overwhelming. But don't give in to the fear. It will pass. Keep learning and living and know that you are here for a purpose you may not be able to see yet. You are not alone. There are many of us living this reality. <br />
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We push people away because we must reject them first. We know they will eventually know the "real" monster that we are, that we hide in order to have companionship. To be free of the deep loneliness that is our constant companion. But we can only act and lie for so long. Then the negative chatter begins. From here we isolate even more, our inner dialogue and struggle takes all of our time and energy. These are the most difficult times for me, but they pass. I hope you find some real teachers and mentors in this world. I pray you are granted mercy and understanding as you struggle. Keep up the good work. Get up when you fall. And remember, as hard as it is to stay here, the struggle is worth the suffering.

Thank you for that, I do see myself in your experience alot. I most definitely don't want to stay this way, because I have pushed people away who I really did want. And I've hurt because of it, so it must not be a good thing right? I think it's my selfishness talking as well because Im only wanting people when I want them and when it's too much I sort of just let go of them, like they are at my disposal....when really the truth is im afraid to get too close to people and really open up and give my time and effort into people, not knowing if they will give it back or accept me. I do want to change though and it will take alot but I think realization is the first step

you are alot like me, so much in fact that it isn't funny! I had a very close friend who travels alot and after a couple of years of her being around, I got into a routine. When she left, I was devastated and found that the people around me were just closed minded muppets who are living the dream. I often think back and find that my need to have space and not being able to handle people in large doses is a normal eaction to something missing, a void, so to speak, like when you feel impatient for something you want, not what you have.<br />
I think that the choice of going away across the world was there for me to take and not choosing the path that was laid for me led to me becoming accustomed to having time on my own. <br />
I agree that time alone is healthy, but from my experience, you should never give up on people or become cynical. Too much time alone can make you delerious, without you knowing it. I spent alot of time alone around your age after I split with a couple of girlfriends at the time. <br />
It wasn't until I was 23 that I had a 'moment', a 'wake up call'. I realised that the void was filled with blocking emotions that were full of fears of people and relationships and I went crazy.<br />
I became a person I have only recently come to brand as an '*******'.<br />
I slept with so many people, so many I can't give a clear answer, I had to 'fill' the void, I had missed out on so much over so long and now I was rebelling, but I was still lonely, even though I was around people, still delerious and had a very bitter and twisted look on things. I treated women like they were scorecards, hurt before bthey hurt, why have one when I can have them all?<br />
In the end all I got was a broken heart and even more time alone, except this time, it's unhealthy, I really don't want it because I know how harmful it can be.<br />
The closest definition to the meaning of life I have found is 'What goes around, comes around.' Just remember, if you push people away, they will eventually push you back and that once you realise who you are, other people will see it on you from a mile away, they will see it eating at you in your eyes.<br />
Everybody goes there, you will too, it's just the powers that be, so i'm not going to preach or try and help you, you have to help yourself, but if you are happy as you are, then I can't argue.<br />
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Take it easy. x<br />
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John (Azazel)