I Hate This.

I'm bi, so I guess it's not really weird that I stare at girls, but I feel really guilty doing it. I don't even have a real pattern to who I stare at either. One time I'll be staring at a gorgeous blonde and be wondering to myself what her life is like. Another time I'll stare at a young girl and wonder what she would be like if she were my baby sister, with me as her role model, then wonder how badly I would have screwed her up. Then I'll stare at a woman who most people would find plain or unattractive, and wonder why I'm totally attracted to her. Then I'll stare at an absolutely stunning woman and wonder why I'm not attracted to her at all. But with every single one, as soon as they catch me staring, I'll look away...sometimes even leave so I don't have to face them. I always assume everyone's going to reject me. Conditioning, I guess. So I don't even want to try. Even when I really really want to talk to a person and I've finally worked up the nerve to go talk to them, I hear them rejecting me in my head. People don't like being stared at, and I always feel guilty when they give me that "why are you staring at me?" look. And it seems that everytime I come across someone I'm really attracted to, I'm at my least attractive.... 7am at the coffee shop when I rolled out of bed, pulled my hair back in a ponytail, and threw on sweats so I could get my coffee before I got ready for the day...in the parking lot by the beach with my cheeks all red and puffy from crying....soaking wet and looking like a drowned rat cuz I got stuck in a downpour without an umbrella...Those are when I see a guy or a girl that I'd like to meet, but then a catch my reflection in a window or something and totally lose my nerve.

People say I'm pretty, that I shouldn't have these issues....They don't realize what years of insults can do....Even a pretty girl can have no self-esteem. I'm afraid to talk to people cuz  of the responses I got in the past. I go to parties with my friends, then leave once I find myself alone, or i find a seat or stand in the corner and watch everyone else having fun. And Icatch myself staring at people a lot. But that's all I do. I don't go try to talk to the person I'm staring at. I hope he or she doesn't come talk to me when they catch me staring cuz I'm afraid they'll be disappointed when they do.

KaBe22 KaBe22
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 16, 2010

Or the opposite, I met a really cool girl because I didn't look away. The fact that I continued to stare at her compelled her to find out more about me.<br />
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Life is funny that way, carpe diem ?