I Came Out Today

I did it. After 38 years I came out of the closet to my wife. It went like I expected. I hurt her. I wish I could take it back. Betrayed, facade, pretending, lied to, not who I thought you were, were some of the phrases. She said that she thinks back and feels like our sex was dirty. She feels used. I should have not came out. She says that she needs some time to wrap her head around this. We spent 6 hours in the hospital ER. Her pulse was at stroke level plus other issues. I told her I am still here. I am the same person. I feel alone. I feel rejected. I feel like I have destroyed my relationship. I hope it gets better.
brendakaitlin brendakaitlin
36-40, T
12 Responses Jul 17, 2012

I feel bad for you and your wife. You should have made her aware of it before you got married ,however, the past is past. After 38 yrs, I would imagine she must have had some suspicion that she never talked about with you or others. Her reaction was a little bit over the top. I wonder why?It's not like you were unfaithful.

so what does that mean? you admit you like to dress up? I would hope she'd be a little more understanding, after 38 years... I mean its not like you cheated on her, is it?

Actually, things have got a lot better. We are committed to stay together. After the shock wore off she became realistic. She says she would never ask me not to transition. She knows that in the end I am what I am no choice. She knows my femme name. She has found me a transgender support Group. We are moving to a large progressive city. We know we love each other. She has become very supportive. We each have a therapist. She says I am in a cocoon right now and expects a butterfly to emerge. The other day I had to get something out of her purse. She had me organize it for her. She said that's lesson one for my lady in training lessons. Now we are just taking baby steps, but I will get there

I've had similar discussions with my SO, and we're still together because we are a couple, despite (or in spite of) everything else. Hang in there, and it will work out... and a butterfly will emerge.

I am sorry to here this Brenda. It brings painfull memories of what happend in my relationship 20 years ago. Unfortunatly we were not able to work it out. I hope for your sake that it gets worked out.<br />
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Some thing to remember. We come out of the closet and go back into the closet. The cycle repets itsel with each time we are out last longer until we can not go back into the closet. <br />
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“The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.” (A Chinese proverb)<br />
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"We are each of us angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing each other" - Luciano de Crescenzo

a stitch in time saves nine(:

please see my list of books for spouses, they really helped my wife after she got over being angry and wanted to learn more about it all.

How I wish we could all live together in the same city and have a real caffe. So many things we could help with. I know you are hurting, alone and afraid. She is also these things. I pray that you find a place of compromise that includes your transition as this beast has been set free and is unstoppable. Please know I am thinking about you and her.

What a difference a night makes. She has a lot of questions. Our future is not up in the air however. I told her about my therapist analogy about how I am fighting the beast and the beast always wins and she agrees. She had noticed in the past few weeks my dependence on tequila. She said she will not allow alcohol in the house while we work through this. We are confident of our relationship continuing. We talked about relocating to a larger more progressive city. I said that I wish I hadn't came out. She said that was wrong I did the right thing by coming out. She said it would have come out anyway and said the beast always wins like my therapist said. We said we loved each other. And kissed.goodnight. I may not be wearing her panties or her Christian Louboutins, but it is a start. I think I will wait about mentioning transition until we see our therapists. At this point I feel like a big weight has been lifted<br />
As far as transition I have no idea when or how far. Sweetie I am not even playing dress up right now, but all I have is time.

It's sad your partner reacted in this way. Some partners handle this with equanimity, others set rules and some like yours freak out. Mine set rules. I'm interested to hear what your partner will eventually decide. <br />
Whatever she decides though, you have done the right thing for yourself even though right now it may not feel like that. XXX

Congratulations. I hope it works out for you. Hugs xxxx

I have hope. We did talk about the future. That's.encouraging. she said she needs a couple days to wrap her head around it. I understand stand that. I have had 38 years to wrap my head around it. I tried ignoring, anger, killing, pacifying, before accepting Brenda. It is a very rocky road. I haven't even talked about any type of transition. I don't know about transition yet, I have the rest of my life. I love my wife and have to balance my needs with hers. She says she loves me. I told her about my therapist quote about fighting the beast and in the end the beast wins and she agreed. She says she just doesn't want me resenting her and the kids.

thats a good start, and gives you some hope!!

These horrible times in one's life tend to become less horrible after a while. Maybe it will help just a little to know that lots of us are thinking of you and sympathize with a fellow-human who is hurting.

Owch...:(<br />
I'm so sorry.

Sorry for that. I know it much be hard on you, as well as your wife! Hang in there Brenda, get her the book "My Husband Betty". If she will read that it will help here understand you better.