Ok What Happens Now?

A week and a half out of the closet. From about 10pm until about 1am we talk. She is still unsure. Can she stay with me? She is not sure. Sometimes I am still a man to her. Sometimes I am a woman. It is all about perception to her. Even though she hasn't met Brenda Karen, or seen me en femme in a couple of years she still can see her. The question was posed, that me being a transgender lesbian, what do lesbians get out of sex. My reply was that sex has always been more sensual and emotional than physical. If I can get graphic, my concern is about her pleasure more than my climax. Always has been. I may currently have the penis, but she is in the driver seat. When, how, how long. Always her choice.

Our first meeting with a therapist is in one week. She has questions that I can't, or I am afraid to answer. She said she accepts this is me, but what happens if the way I am now is not enough and I feel the need to change? I said (half heartedly) that time may not come (remember baby steps). She asked if she could be blunt and tell me something. I said sure. She said in a few years I would be living full time as a women. I asked what made her think that. She said that from her own experience she knows that ultimately our private self gets what it needs not what it wants. She said after years of fighting and ignoring that part of me I may very well have no say in the matter. She is right. I reached this crossroads not out of desire, but necessity. She is confused. Already seeing me as a woman without me transitioning. Her comment to me was I love you and accept you, but I don't know if I can be in love with you or live with you as a woman. I don't want to toot my own horn, but after an hour or so of continual pleasure her question was "how the **** can you not feel like a man after that". I didn't reply but the truth is its all about her pleasure. If I was thinking like a man it would have been over in fifteen minutes and I wouldn't have held her. Funny how everything she admires about me is more Brenda Karen than Bradley. How a back rub can be just a back rub, how I can pick out shoes like nobody's business, how I watch chick flicks and cry, how I enjoy listening to Donna summer with her. The person she has admired the most for 22 plus years is Brenda Karen. I look forward to progress in therapy. Honey this butterfly didn't risk it all coming out of the closet to not spread her wings. Brenda Karen is out and sweetie she ain't going back in. Even if its baby steps, its still stepping forward. Ciao ladies

brendakaitlin brendakaitlin
36-40, T
6 Responses Jul 27, 2012

More power to ya hon!

My guess is you will take it one day at a time just tell the truth on how you feel.<br />
<br />
I think it was easyer for us, as the one i loved was just going back to how she had been born, and a doctor wanted to make the changes he said for all the good and the father said yes and left never to return.<br />
<br />
We made the choice for her to stop taking the male drug and to switch over to female<br />
We talked about it with our mother and grandparents. They tried to warn us about the changes and to make sure we were ready for them.<br />
<br />
They were also there beside us the whole time, as she went from one drug for a month then to the female drug. they even decided that we should give each other our shot.s each week as i was also taking the make drug in a hope it would repair some of the damage due to cancer drugs and that i might be able to father a child.<br />
<br />
The first year was hardest for her i think. as she would start to cry for no reason or get mad and not even know why she was mad. i would hold her and kiss her and tell her it was ok a few of the hardest were when it happened in school.<br />
<br />
Most of our teacher by then knew the story and the kids in our group all knew but some times it home it was easy to deal with as i could carrier her to our bed and lay her down and rub her or give her a hot bath or even pull up her shirt and blow bubbles on her belly button and that always cause a shift in feelings<br />
but you will get thought it just like we did and many others have.<br />
<br />
for us the feeling were not as intense i guess as they were for many other that could be due to her boy was still part female or even that she knew i was beside her the whole time<br />
<br />
and as time went on i got to learn the early sings aso i could sneak a kiss in school in certain class or at work and at home i would just do other silly things with her like get a book of paper dools out of the trunk and we would sit on the floor and just play with them

Thanks so much for sharing your heart with me today

Good luck on becoming your true self.

Helen Boy'd book "She's not the man I married" comes to mind, written by the spouse of a full time cross dresser. Consider it so that she can feel she is not alone in dealing with these mixed emotions.

These are the same exact issues I too have to deal with. And I am the same in bed with my wife, she now knows beyond a doubt that Alasandra is a much better partner then Dave ever was. My sexual inhibitions are no more and we do things she only dreamed of. Example: she told me one night that there were fantastasy of light bondage, I surprised her the next weekend by having installed a harness between the top and the bottom pats of the bed, asking her to close her eyes and lay on her back on the bed for a massage. Next this she knows I have velcro wrist and ankle straps on as she opens her eyes wide then starts to giggle then moan then with begging me to release her so she can help. It's times like this I can only pour forth all the love I have. We both enjoy trading places now and she says that our loving relationship has her tied up mentally because she so enjoys it, yet has reservations of being thought of by others s a Lesbian. When time heals her self-perception we will move forward, until then I continue to take hormones, tolerate the sore nipples as they grow out, and enjoy the thoughts of never having to wear breast forms again in my life, but now have the real deal. My self image and feelings about the quality of my life overwhelm me as I lay in bed feeling my body and feeling a womans body at the same time. No words can describe ho fulfilling these moments are.

Your title pretty much says it all - what happens next?<br />
My idea is to give her time to digest the discussion and maybe give her time to discuss carefully with a good friend(s). Thinking out loud with a friend seems to help - and I am just as guilty. Then...back into more discussion. The are many questions for her yet to answer...and even more importantly think about. It is a big upheaval in her life and she may not know the answers just yet.