Ok What Happens Now?A week and a half out of the closet. From about 10pm until about 1am we talk. She is still unsure. Can she stay with me? She is not sure. Sometimes I am still a man to her. Sometimes I am a woman. It is all about perception to her. Even though she hasn't met Brenda Karen, or seen me en femme in a couple of years she still can see her. The question was posed, that me being a transgender lesbian, what do lesbians get out of sex. My reply was that sex has always been more sensual and emotional than physical. If I can get graphic, my concern is about her pleasure more than my climax. Always has been. I may currently have the penis, but she is in the driver seat. When, how, how long. Always her choice.
Our first meeting with a therapist is in one week. She has questions that I can't, or I am afraid to answer. She said she accepts this is me, but what happens if the way I am now is not enough and I feel the need to change? I said (half heartedly) that time may not come (remember baby steps). She asked if she could be blunt and tell me something. I said sure. She said in a few years I would be living full time as a women. I asked what made her think that. She said that from her own experience she knows that ultimately our private self gets what it needs not what it wants. She said after years of fighting and ignoring that part of me I may very well have no say in the matter. She is right. I reached this crossroads not out of desire, but necessity. She is confused. Already seeing me as a woman without me transitioning. Her comment to me was I love you and accept you, but I don't know if I can be in love with you or live with you as a woman. I don't want to toot my own horn, but after an hour or so of continual pleasure her question was "how the **** can you not feel like a man after that". I didn't reply but the truth is its all about her pleasure. If I was thinking like a man it would have been over in fifteen minutes and I wouldn't have held her. Funny how everything she admires about me is more Brenda Karen than Bradley. How a back rub can be just a back rub, how I can pick out shoes like nobody's business, how I watch chick flicks and cry, how I enjoy listening to Donna summer with her. The person she has admired the most for 22 plus years is Brenda Karen. I look forward to progress in therapy. Honey this butterfly didn't risk it all coming out of the closet to not spread her wings. Brenda Karen is out and sweetie she ain't going back in. Even if its baby steps, its still stepping forward. Ciao ladies