Future Unknown

Our nightly routine includes just talking. We talk about my brides crazy issues, then we talk about mine. So many questions. I feel most like Brenda when we talk.

One question that came up is why am I transgender? Now, I have asked that question to myself many times; but I posed that to my scientifically minded wife. I just wanted her take. I knew it could go many ways. I was raised by a strong single mother. My male role models where Uber alpha males. I was surprised by the answer wifey gave. Somebody has done their research.

"When you were an embryo the androgens that constantly surrounded you were probably estrogen instead of testosterone." "If we were able to look inside your head, we would see that your brain and hypothalamus would probably resemble my female brain as opposed to the male brain." "You have small features that resemble your mothers; along with being extremely short in stature." I replied "you don't think any of this is environmental?". She said I know your mom did a lot of drugs in the 60's and was crazy, but I doubt it caused this. She then posed the question. Biologically speaking could it have played a part in us not being able to conceive? /I don't know. Probably not enough data.

I should have told her sooner. She said that for three years I have been closed off. She is right. She said she had thoughts of me being unfaithful. She felt she wasn't good enough. I told her I just couldn't tell her. She said I shouldn't question her capacity to love me. I needed to remember that she wasn't my judgmental fundamentalist family. She reiterated that this doesn't mean that we will stay together. There are little things we do let me express my femininity. We go to the salon together. I have a small dose of Girly freedom. My facade crumbles a little each day. My nine month niece said my name. I got emotional and cried. I apologized to her. She said there was nothing wrong with that. I guess the truth is a have never really been good at being a man. Our marriage has always been more of a partnership. Most of the time she leads. We were talking about the future. When the idea about transition comes up I appreciate her bluntness. How she maintains that the choice is not really a choice, but a question of when it will.happen Right now I get the.impression that my bride is preparing for a coming storm. She has a fear of coming home and finding me in a dress. Hopefully, she will lose some of the trepidation in therapy. A couple of nights ago she said she doesn't want for me to resent her and the kids. I could never resent her or the children. She said that she knew she could ask me to promise that I would never dress or transition and I would do it. She said that she would never ask me to do that. I think that is the start of acceptance. I may get to a point where she can't be together with me, but I will always have her heart. She is my soul mate.
brendakaitlin brendakaitlin
36-40, T
8 Responses Jul 29, 2012


I don't know why this is but I am constantly surprised to find kindred spirits here. We have this same shared experience. It is comforting to know that there are others out there like me who are having such similar trying and difficult experience. It doesn't eliminate the pain and heartache it helps to make sense of our lives.


I posted a list of several books all written by spouses of Trans/Cd individuals in here.

Good post Brenda, Here is an all to related post to a girl friend of mine I shop with often and also Zumba with --<br />
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Hun, I hope you find a way to stay cool today hun, (wifey) is going to my Hair Club apt with me. She needs to stay in touch with me before I leave her behind. We talked last night on how I seem to be a ship heading out on a solo voyage. I told her I was at anchor and in town at a pub....waiting for her to come along. She is going to need a LOT of Physical Therapy to get back to where she can even trot or run in any way due to her recent spine surgeries. Her abilities will come back only if she pursues the PT right now <br />
Life moves in a direction, I go with the flow. Ali will be having her hair done today and Kim will see Ali out on the town today. hugs

Ladies once again I thank you so much for your guidance and support. I can't imagine what it would be like to navigate these waters without my online gurl sisters that have gone down the path before me. Your guidance and suggestions sustain me and my bride. Love y'all (Texas accent)<br />
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Brenda Karen

Jenny has written several books about her transition, I liked "She's Not There: A Tale In Two Genders" it is a reprint of "She's Not There", she has an interesting writing style. After finding out that she lived about ten miles from my home and then having the opportunity to read her books, I decided to try and meet her in person. She is as unique in person as her writing style is.<br />
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Amazon carries her books: http://www.amazon.com/Jennifer-Finney-Boylan/e/ref=la_B001ILKGFY_st?qid=1343662400&rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_82%3AB001ILKGFY&sort=daterank <br />
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Check out her website when you have a chance: "There from Here | Jennifer Finney Boylan" at http://www.jenniferboylan.net/<br />
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All the best to the two of you.

You have a very understanding wife, this book my help you or at least give you some understanding. The title is Shes Not There and its a true story about how a married man transitioned with his wifes support.

I admire your wife's strength and courage to face this with you together. She is a highly intelligent woman and I think if you do things slowly, she will adapt .... baby steps. Ensure that you keep communicating like you have been doing. That is imperative. Best wishes to you both.

I agree with your wife, what makes us, 'us' is what happened hormonally in the womb. For whatever reason our brains our wired as female and it's a huge disconnect with our male bodies!