Future UnknownOur nightly routine includes just talking. We talk about my brides crazy issues, then we talk about mine. So many questions. I feel most like Brenda when we talk.
One question that came up is why am I transgender? Now, I have asked that question to myself many times; but I posed that to my scientifically minded wife. I just wanted her take. I knew it could go many ways. I was raised by a strong single mother. My male role models where Uber alpha males. I was surprised by the answer wifey gave. Somebody has done their research.
"When you were an embryo the androgens that constantly surrounded you were probably estrogen instead of testosterone." "If we were able to look inside your head, we would see that your brain and hypothalamus would probably resemble my female brain as opposed to the male brain." "You have small features that resemble your mothers; along with being extremely short in stature." I replied "you don't think any of this is environmental?". She said I know your mom did a lot of drugs in the 60's and was crazy, but I doubt it caused this. She then posed the question. Biologically speaking could it have played a part in us not being able to conceive? /I don't know. Probably not enough data.
I should have told her sooner. She said that for three years I have been closed off. She is right. She said she had thoughts of me being unfaithful. She felt she wasn't good enough. I told her I just couldn't tell her. She said I shouldn't question her capacity to love me. I needed to remember that she wasn't my judgmental fundamentalist family. She reiterated that this doesn't mean that we will stay together. There are little things we do let me express my femininity. We go to the salon together. I have a small dose of Girly freedom. My facade crumbles a little each day. My nine month niece said my name. I got emotional and cried. I apologized to her. She said there was nothing wrong with that. I guess the truth is a have never really been good at being a man. Our marriage has always been more of a partnership. Most of the time she leads. We were talking about the future. When the idea about transition comes up I appreciate her bluntness. How she maintains that the choice is not really a choice, but a question of when it will.happen Right now I get the.impression that my bride is preparing for a coming storm. She has a fear of coming home and finding me in a dress. Hopefully, she will lose some of the trepidation in therapy. A couple of nights ago she said she doesn't want for me to resent her and the kids. I could never resent her or the children. She said that she knew she could ask me to promise that I would never dress or transition and I would do it. She said that she would never ask me to do that. I think that is the start of acceptance. I may get to a point where she can't be together with me, but I will always have her heart. She is my soul mate.