Now She Knows Who Brenda Is

When I came out to my wife I told her that I would truthfully answer any questions. So...yesterday at lunch, my bride says I was talking in my sleep. I have always mumbled things in my sleep. One of my fears has always been speaking as Brenda. I guess I have so repressed her that I am Brenda in almost all of my dreams. So my wife asks if I have a femme name. I say no but my face says otherwise. I make attempts to change the subject. Eventually my wife gives up. Last night at bed time she puts her foot down. She says she must know because she wants to see if my name is what I said or if there is another woman. I say Brenda and she says yes that's the name. She ask why did I put off telling her. Good question, no good answer. The truth is by me telling her I have to open up how far along I am. I have to confirm her cocooned butterfly theory. I have to confront the fact that I am ready to move to the next step. I swore to her that from here on out I will truthfully answer any question that comes. The way I have been doing thus far is only divulging information that she asks for. Do I just come clean and tell her exactly where I am. How far I want to go? I mean I see hormones in my future. I see going full time in my future. As far as srs I don't know. When I finally came clean, about my name I started crying. My wife gently held me and said why do you worry? No judgement. You cant help who you are. This is me you are talking to. I love you. I guess right now I have her support. I am just afraid of losing it. I guess she is preparing for what is the worst case scenario in her mind. I just don't want to give her that worst case scenario. She is a jump in the deep end kind of girl, I am more of a wade in from the shallow end girl. Maybe I am just trying to stay in the cocoon as long as I can, while she is trying to rip me out.
brendakaitlin brendakaitlin
36-40, T
2 Responses Sep 11, 2012

I have a huge hug for you Brenda, you are going thru growing pains and always tell her everything or she will be gone. My life is exactly this, if I ever do not tell of my advancments and changes she will be gone we have already agreed to this. she is here, my name change is filed, I await its return to make it to the next step -- full time. <br />
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Hugs to the both of us, Im beat from an hour of Zumba dancercise.

Wow Brenda. That is one of my fears as well, talking in my sleep about...that! I don't dream or at least I don't remember them. I think I repress very very well, though I would love to dream. Seems to be a release I just don't get. I admire your courage and your wifes. I hope it goes well for you Brenda. Just one step at a time. Just worry about today, tomorrow will have it's own worries. It works it really does.

I swear this is the scariest place I have ever been. I always thought that I would be happy to be here. I am, but so much lies ahead. The funny thing is my wife is afraid of me burying my transgender self, so she wont let me subvert. She says she remembers me at my lowest wanting to die. If I supress Brenda she views that as a reality. She says she knows me better than I know myself.