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I Starting Over After Divorce

Moving On Is Not So Easy....

By: neuilly
Written on January 4th, 2012
I am recently divorced after a long marriage of 43 years...This is also the first time I have ever broken up with someone that i loved, and so i have not a clue how to deal with some of the emotional issues.,and so i was wondering what insight or information the people here could offer..

Because of situations in the marriage and the divorce, I am not very trusting of the ex-spouse,and am very angry with him. I am trying to move on,but it is a problem when he does call. Every now and again there are issues we are still sorting out, and so communication still has to go on..I try to keep it business like,but i know I come across as curt and abrupt, but that is because that is not how I normally am with people,I am usually chatty, and friendly,but I really don't want to be that way with him..

The other issue is, i really don't want to share some of my personal information. He did not want me to even have his address,and yet..he knows everything about me.He knows my information because I remained in the family home, so there is a huge imbalance in our shared information. I just wondered how other people handled these kind of situations?
By: neuilly
Age: 61-65 , Female
864 people have read this story

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9 responses
  • phatnhapi
    phatnhapi

    I would act that same way with him, giving him just the response he needs and no more. I identify with your personality as i feel i am the same way myself. When hurt though, i will want nothing more to do with that person, though in your situation it is necessary to communicate with them. He has more info on you than you do on him but it does not really matter. What matters is that you get all the issues with him resolved so that you can move on and really be free of him, if that will be possible. Using a civil tone, as you do, will always be a good effort. Do you think that the sheer difficulty of divorce will make you not want to marry again? I have thought this for myself. I'm very capable of being monogamous and true to the person i love without the legal paper. Much love and God bless you in your efforts to get through this and move on to your happier life :)

    xox hapi :)

    Feb 22
    1 like
    • neuilly
      neuilly

      I think that eventually i would want to be legally married. It just makes life simpler.( taxes and inheritance ) and so why not do that?

      Feb 22
      1 like
    • phatnhapi
      phatnhapi

      hmmm to me being separate with all the legal stuff is easier. You can use life ins. policies if you wish to provide for each other.

      Feb 22
      1 like
  • 1980Monza
    1980Monza

    Sounds a lot like my situation. My divorce is still is only a few weeks old. But about 6 months ago my wife started keeping secrets. I have recently convinced her that it is better to tell me the truth then to lie to me, this came with a price though. She has been texting a "friend" and driving an hour to go and see him. Last friday she went to "hang out" and didnt come home till the next morning. When she got here she told me she had sex with him. We are not legally separated (other than her emotional separation that happened in the last year).

    Getting back on track, I guess my question is: Do you really want that information? I find myself spending time "checking up" on her just because I have the information. I dont know what would be worse, knowing or not knowing.

    I dont know how to get over her and move on. How do you kill feelings of love you have had for over 20yrs? Sounds like we both have similar issues.

    Jan 9
    1 like
    • neuilly
      neuilly

      Reality is important to healing. it helps to remind yourself, well it makes no sense to love someone that is not interested, or has found another. if you had the opportunity to do things differently, you would have. And so it is that constant reminder of reality, that has helped me move on.

      My ex was not willing to reconsider. And he and I, just honestly were not connected, and so that is the reality. I struggled with our empty relationship for years. i could not turn that around, That is reality. And so it pays to remind yourself, why you are where you are. Going to the ..."if onlys"...is not helpful. If the.. "if onlys".., were possible at the time, well then they would have happened, and things would have turned out differently.

      Jan 9
      1 like
    • phatnhapi
      phatnhapi

      What a very important and down to earth piece of advice. Reality and facing it is the key to dealing with any situation. If two people cannot find a way to compromise in their situations, then it is not worth torturing yourself, wishing it to be something it is not. It takes two people to change a situation or find middle ground on which to share it. Idealizing the person in a romantic way is hanging on to what they used to be and now they have changed from that person into someone else. If you still love someone you can ask them if they want to work on your relationship, if they do not want to do that, the best thing you can do is let them go.

      Feb 22
      1 like
  • Rikaha
    Rikaha

    Its normal after a loss in life (any “loss” such a death of a loved one, even a divorce, or losing a job), to experience anger, denial, eventual adjustment and acceptance (the Kubler Ross theory). It’s not a linear process and different for everyone. I agree with some of the advice given above – re-kindle or find an interest, activity or hobby that gets you mixing with others. Even volunteering is a great way to be involved with others, and to direct your energy towards a good cause. A vacation or cruise may not be financially possible, but social involvement costs only your time and gas money, and a great way to know people in the neighbourhood. It’ll also help take the focus off the past, and give you a future focus. Good luck.

    Jan 5, 2012
    1 like
    • neuilly
      neuilly

      i think ...i also just need a little time..and because..the spouse and i are still sorting things out..we are still too connected..and, even though most divorced couples with kids have the same problem of having to stay connected..it is not an easy situation..it feels very fake...and so you really don't have a good feeling about what to trust..it is to me a kind of a patranizing situation..and so it is just very awkward..and so i am very aware of the sense of being lied to, or the situation not being genuine.

      Jan 5, 2012
      1 like
  • neuilly
    neuilly

    yes..i do need to do many of these things..and simply get started living..and making decisions..

    Jan 4, 2012
    1 like