I Love The Starved Feeling

When I was in the 4th grade I started getting lots of boyfriends. This lasted until I was in 7th grade and boys no longer wanted to date me. I never did anything with them sexually or anything. They were just little elementary school boyfriends. Anyway. When I was in 7th grade the boys would comment on my features and insult me some even threw food at me during lunch. This made me feel really unwanted, and not pretty. On top of it, I had severe acne which also made me feel worse. I would look at my school picture and see double chins and chubby little chipmunk cheeks. So I targeted my weight as the cause of not being pretty. I basically stayed cooped up in my room playing video games and not eating. I stayed up all night and slept for hours and hours. I slept somewhere between 13-15hrs a day. I would take sleeping pills and force myself to sleep because I had heard that you would burn calories while you slept. I eventually went into severe depression. My depression was from not feeling beautiful and feeling worthless. I also had told a big secret I had kept since I was 6 years old. All of this contributed to my depression and my starvation. At 15, I was 4'11 and weighed between 92-94lbs. After I had got my depression under control, I started partying more and going out and meeting boys. I felt pretty again, and wore pretty little clothes and little halter tops. Guys would hit on me and call me beautiful and gorgeous, hot, etc. And for once I actually FELT like those words. Then when I was 17, I met a guy and we dated for 2 1/2 years. He physically and mentally abused me. During the time we were dating, I gained A LOT of weight. After I had finally figured out I didn't need him anymore, I was a weight of 141lbs 5'0, give or take an inch on the height. None the less, I was severely overweight and felt it. My legs would rub together and make sores on my thighs. I had to baby powder on my buttocks and under my breasts and fat rolls so they would chafe and sweat. I had stretch marks all over my buttocks and inner and outer thighs. So it was time to lose weight again. I got a very active job and only ate 1 thing a day at lunch and only because I didn't want my co-workers to know what I was doing. My 1 meal consisted of an apple or a lunchable without the drink. I stopped drinking soda and just drank water or very low calorie drinks. I decided to go to college when I was 19. I quit my job and just attended school. I got late classes so I could sleep more then I only ate after all of my classes were over which again, was only something simple and low caloried. I became a very active and busy college student, I went to parties and drank a lot of alcohol, I dated a lot of men, and I attended a lot of concerts. I got down to 115lbs and felt beautiful again! But I had seen my lesser weight and wanted to weigh less than 115. So I continued to eat like I did. I moved out of my moms house into my sister's house and she didn't have much food. I had dropped out of college by then, and just played an online video game and ate a peanut butter sandwich once a day and again, I slept for more than the average amount of sleep. I was 20 years old, 5'1 and weighed 97lbs. I continued this steady weight until I met my current fiancee, I haven't been on a scale in a few months and I'm almost scared too but I desperately want to see. I can look in the mirror and tell that I've gained more weight. My size 00s don't fit me anymore and my underwear feels tighter. I'm starting my 1 meal a day diet again and its so hard to do. I've gotten used to eating a lot. I'm addicted to losing weight and for a while I've had my goal set on 89lbs. I want to be thin and beautiful and wear 00s. It's so hard not to eat. I used to love the starved hungry feeling but now when I have that feeling it comes with wooziness and weakness. I just don't know what to do. I'll keep eating my one meal and hopefully get my goal achieved.
desireddeath desireddeath
4 Responses Aug 11, 2010

What do you exactly feel like when you reach starving.? I eat 500 calories a day & I only get dizzy like I might faint. Im also scared I wont lose weight

Well, other than the ups and downs, I suspect you know what you have to do. You do make an effort, but than you let go. The abusive relationship is not entirely his fault you know, but I think you're strong enough. You will make it work. All the best.

wow, i'm amazed at how much you accomplished! you're a true success story in many ways, but like you've pointed out, sometimes our davy crockets get slaughtered in the end. don't give up, you're suffering what most americans are suffering right now no matter how much they eat or don't eat, we're just a very unhealthy nation no matter what we do and it's because of all the madness around us, you're living in a poisonous world. our bodies cn only take so much for so long and we're the generation that's going to pay for it. there's only one solution to the dizziness that fat people and skinny people and healthy people are experiencing. there's only one food that will give you the nutrition you need, without making you gain, and without robbing you of that euphoric starving feeling. you alredy had it figured out at one point in your life, then you switched to peanut butter which is great too but only great for so many years before you body needs the vitamins too, not just the minerals. minerals are basically dead, you need living nutrients flowing through your blood giving your body the healing and power that it needs so that you're not dizzy. the experts keep denying that anorexics exist, because you are proof that the human body does not believe in the food pyramid!!! and it should shock you to know that peole living by the food pyramid are experiencing the same dizziness that you are and are turning to medications such as soda pop and pizza and doughnuts to pump the body full of instant sugars and sodium to counter the effects which is just a short term solution that soon will cause an even greater crash and hospitalization. i've had several friends at the top of their game, super healthy, drop dead at ages like 18 and 23 from heart attacks, strokes, annurism, and other issues the doctors can't explain. the people who can explain these things are the ones who betrayed their industries to come forward and confess their sins and apologize for helping to put that crap in our food!!! i'm sure if i was making million of dollars right now I'd lie to you too, i'm sorry, that's just the way the world is, that what we do when we get in office, or rise up the ladder in corporate america, it's human nature. just be happy that now you're one of the lucky ones who knows that it's not your fault and that you've actually got a pretty amazing story, great job, you're truly inspiring to me. follow your heart, don't let external forces tell you how to eat and live your life. just make sure you're eating a few apples here and there. see more about those apple at www.healthya.webs.com and check out the part bout the healthy annorexic! have a fruitful week. you are a champion, everybody falls from time to time, davy crocket was sick in bed supposedly when his last challenge came, but he's still a hero to billions!!! even the enemy idolized him. he must've had a big meal the day before lol. :)

You have a whole incredible life of journeys and adventures ahead of you. Love you for the whole package - be kind to you - it is the greatest gift of all. Eat your food, just a bit at a time and think good thoughts of food. It will oneday come together as a package for you.<br />
So many more wonderful things in life to come.