Here I Go Again

I haven't truly starved myself in a long time. The last time I starved myself was towards the end of March, when I would starve for like 24 hours at a time and then eat an absolute maximum of 1,300 calories a day, for the days that I didn't completely starve. I stopped doing that when my weight finally plateaued. Also, my friend ended up figuring out that I had been doing that and she didn't want me to do it anymore.

So after that I haven't really starved myself since. I've been just going on and off of a different diet since then that doesn't have me starving myself nearly as much. It was actually reasonably healthy and I was happy with it. My weight ended up plateauing again though, so I had to stop that diet too. Now I'm going back to starving myself, because that's the only "diet" I've been on so far that's given me good weight loss results.

This weekend on Saturday I went back to starving. I only ate 502 calories the whole day. Not going to lie, I liked it. Sure, I ended up with a headache and I was cold, but that's not so bad. It happened the last time I starved myself back in March. It's normal for when you starve yourself. My plan is that I alternate every other day between starving myself and eating more normally. By that I mean that I will alternate between eating a maximum 600 calories a day and a maximum 1,200 calories a day. I know that people should always be eating 1,200 calories at their absolute minimum, so I know that I am still starving myself and being unhealthy, even with this "new and improved" diet.

Tomorrow I plan on starving myself again. My plan is to skip breakfast and then pack just a little bit of fruit for my lunch. I've already figured out what I'm packing and I've figured out the calories. I'm going to bring an orange, which has 85 calories, and 5 strawberries, which has 20 calories. The only reason I'm even packing that much is because if I didn't bring lunch at all then my mom would get super suspicious and would pack a whole bunch of high calorie crap that I don't want to eat, so I have to pack something. Plus, my friends at school would start getting suspicious if I didn't come to eat lunch with them.

Even so, I'm still sitting here thinking right now about how I can avoid lunch all together tomorrow. I really want to starve tomorrow. I mean, I really, really, really want to starve, as in, not have any food at all for hours and hours on end. I'm dying to do that. I think it's because earlier tonight there was a dessert night rewards event thing at my school that I went to. I had a bunch of sweets and I feel like such a fat pig now. I had two cupcakes, a brownie, two cookies, and two little chocolate bars. I ended up eating a total of 2,789 calories today, but that includes breakfast and lunch. But still, that's way too many calories, at least for me.

So tonight I told myself that I'm not eating again for a long time. I feel so good when I starve. I don't quite know how to describe it. I feel clean, empowered, in control, pure. I just feel amazing, even though physically I don't quite feel so great. But the pain is all part of the game. Losing weight isn't easy, and it was never meant to be. I want to go for as long as I can tomorrow without eating. I mean, if I can skip lunch tomorrow and not eat again until dinner, then that will nearly be a 24 hour starve, and it'll be great. I've always wanted to try going longer than 24 hours. I'll probably try that this weekend.

I feel bad about doing this starving stuff again because none of my friends want me to do it. I've already heard their opinions on it and they certainly aren't happy. So I don't want to disappoint them and make them feel like they aren't important. They are my friends and I value their opinion very much and I hate hurting them! Sometimes I just want to do what I want though, regardless of what my friends say. But then I feel like a selfish monster for putting myself before my friends, so I don't know. No matter what I do someone's not happy, and that's just the way it is, I guess.

I think my biggest concern is for my best friend at school. She doesn't know that I've gone back to this or that I've stopped my old diet. The last she heard was that I was going strong with my old and healthier diet. She doesn't know that I've gone back to starving as of this weekend. I haven't actually seen her or had the chance to talk to her since last Thursday, so I haven't had the opportunity to tell her. I kind of don't want to tell her though because I know what she'll say and I don't want to break her heart. I don't want her to think that this is her fault, because it isn't. This is completely me and my decision, but I know she will feel responsible. How could she not? Besides, she's got her own problems. There's no reason to trouble her with my own, especially when I already know her response. Sometimes I really want to tell her though because I want her to know. I don't like hiding this from her. But then I feel bad about telling her and getting her worried about me, so I keep it to myself.

The other thing is that this is probably the beginning of anorexia, which I definitely don't want anyone to know about. And the fact that I'm hiding this also says something. I mean, a lot has changed between now and when I first started dieting to try and lose a few pounds. There are a lot of things that my friends don't know about this whole issue. If they did, then they would agree with me, I'm sure. And then they'd be even more concerned. If only they knew how deep this runs, how far this has gone, where this is going...