Day One, I Will Be Beautiful.

I have never felt I am worth anything throughout the course of my life and when I was young I would eat because there was no one there to care. When it became a problem my step father told me if I continued to eat the way I did I would be as big as a house, the only response I had was to hate myself and eat more. Slowly from about fifteen to now I have been exorcising and fighting to loose the weight I gained from childish spite. Now there will be no turning back, I am disgusted every time I look into a mirror and ashamed when I think of the people I am attracted to because how could they ever want someone as fat and ugly as me? I'm done with being fat, I weigh 200 pounds and I'm sad to say I have weighed more, no more though. No more will I see a fat ugly girl where I should be, even if it kills me. No one is here to tell me to stop and no one cares enough to see me so **** it, if they don't care why should I? I refuse to be that one fat chick when everyone else is so much smaller than me, I will either get thin and call myself beautiful or die trying.
CurioCity74 CurioCity74
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 17, 2012

I know exactly how you feel. I started gaining weight when I was about 8 years old. I remember my mom actually making comments worrying about too much fat building up around my heart, even though I wasn't even that big. Other times, when we were out shopping she'd compare me to other little girls thinner and prettier than me and actually say things like "why can't you be like that girl?" The first time I lost a lot of weight was somewhat unintentional... I had an illness that caused me to not be able to eat or keep any food down. I lost 50 lbs in 2 months, but I loved the empty stomach feeling... it became kind of addictive. I gained the weight back eventually, and the second time I lost 70 lbs from starving myself on purpose and also dabbling with cocaine. Then I got clean and got pregnant, put back on 50 lbs that I lost and here I am now... trying once again. This time, I only want to starve... not from illness, not with assistance from drugs. Just pure starvation. If you need a friend in your journey, feel free to contact me. Stay strong <3