First I'm Fat Now I'm So Skinny I Must Have A Drug Problem?

Last year my father said i was fat and should really lose weight.  Since then i have lost just over 100 lbs. Now he wants to know why!  He thinks i must have a drug problem, fact is i starve myself because i guess i honestly believed that if i got skinny again I would finally be the daughter he wanted.  The result is that I have a weakened immune system and everyone around me thinks i am "partying".  All I really want is his approval but with each passing day I am more aware that I will never be good enough. I dont think i will ever be what he wants me to be and I'm not sure that I should care what he wants ..... but I do!  My dads opinion of me is SO Important!  I am an engaged mother of 2 wonderful kids who should be enjoying my family and life. Instead I am constantly looking over my shoulder scared to answer my door in case my house isnt clean enough or i dont look pretty enough because i just cant take the hurt of his disapproval again!  I find myself thinking quite calmly that he wont live forever and that one day i will be able to live my life my way without shame.....everyone else tells me his expectations are not realistic and that what i do is none of his business and i know they are right.  But i just cant seem to make decisions based on what i want instead of what he would want.  Help! I am a grown woman but my father makes me feel like a bad little kid!  I just want to learn to be ok with me but how can i do that when he constantly belittles me under the guise of helping me?

sj420 sj420
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 3, 2009

I can relate, except no kids yet, i'm just 18. But my dad is my whole word. I hang off his every word and never really hit that rebellious teen age stage where you abandon your unconditional love for your parents and start doing your own thing. I was 164, perfect basketball pla<x>yer weight and that's what he wanted me to be what with all the protein crap and egg sandwhiches he shoved down my throat all the while not knowing I was doing everything to undo the effects of those things. When I hit 145 lbs and filled that in for a college recruit form, he said that was a crackhead weight, and I was really hurt. Anyway, this is your page not mine, so to abridge the story he's totally okay with me not playing basketball in college. I had to break it to him gently, but he understands (at least I think he has an inkling of) how much pressure I was under.<br />
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So this may sound young and naive, since I am both, but why not try confronting your father about how you feel? I know it's easier said than done, but it could bring you both some peace.<br />
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And remember, his opinion really isn't God's Law as much as we are inclined to believe that about our parents. This is your life, and you do have control over it. Every decision you make will produce an outcome and there are other things to be in control over besides food. But I'm no hypocrite. I have my starving days too. I try to end them by trying to remind myself that there's more to life...and i'm contemplating a little counseling. You and I deserve the best in life.