Tell Me What to Do
I am freewriting here, so disregard the order in which my ex
Weekdays: Work - Home - Gym - Supermarket - Home
Others 'go out'. I just don' t see the reason to bother. I've tried numerous times over the past many years. It just does not make a difference. I DON'T FIT IN.
This is the cycle I am in: They say smile! How can I smile when I don't feel any reason to? I put up a fake smile and the thought of me doing that reverses the smile. It is an unconscious thing. I do not put on an intentional frown, but that is my default face.
I fake smiles and everything. I can't put up a genuine smile because I am not happy.
People are doing things which they feel are 'fun'. I have tried them many times and to me, they are no fun. So what do I do?
What do I like to do? I like to play basketball, I speeding in fast cars, I love video games.
Unfortunately, the things I want to do, I can't do. I am plagued with injuries, so I can't play ball much. Going to a race track with a high performance car requires big money and resources.
So what else do I do? I would love to have a girl who I find attractive and who finds me attractive, a girl who I find smart and who is intrigued by my intelligence, a girl who can love me for me, and I for her. But does that really exist? Not in my life.
So what do I do, after numerous rejections from all corners of life, I just stay home and stare at the wall, waiting for the next day of depressing work.