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Tell Me What to Do

I am freewriting here, so disregard the order in which my expressions appear.

Weekdays:  Work - Home - Gym - Supermarket - Home

Weekends: Home

Others 'go out'. I just don' t see the reason to bother. I've tried numerous times over the past many years. It just does not make a difference. I DON'T FIT IN.

This is the cycle I am in: They say smile! How can I smile when I don't feel any reason to? I put up a fake smile and the thought of me doing that reverses the smile. It is an unconscious thing. I do not put on an intentional frown, but that is my default face.

I fake smiles and everything. I can't put up a genuine smile because I am not happy.

People are doing things which they feel are 'fun'. I have tried them many times and to me, they are no fun. So what do I do?

 

What do I like to do? I like to play basketball, I speeding in fast cars, I love video games.

Unfortunately, the things I want to do, I can't do. I am plagued with injuries, so I can't play  ball much. Going to a race track with a high performance car requires big money and resources.

So what else do I do? I would love to have a girl who I find attractive and who finds me attractive, a girl who I find smart and who is intrigued by my intelligence, a girl who can love me for me, and I for her. But does that really exist? Not in my life.

So what do I do, after numerous rejections from all corners of life, I just stay home and stare at the wall, waiting for the next day of depressing work.

 

LonelyblackdudeDallasTX LonelyblackdudeDallasTX 26-30 5 Responses Jun 19, 2008

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Gee, i couldnt help but say something to you mr lonely guy. i am mrs lonely lady sometimes too. i am lonely even with people around. i dont fit in around my job or church or things i call "nerdy". i feel like i judge myself as if i was in high school. right clothes wrong clothes, etc. i am 50. i have long long hair and my "co-workers', the women anyhow, say to me, "i think that when u are a certain age you should cut your hair". Now did I ask them. no, of course. this may be off the subject just a bit, but i am trying to say i dont feel happy alot of the time and these people dont help. i live with a big cloud over my head. no one wants to walk in my shoes. believe me. i know there are others that life happenings are worse or equal to mine. but mine is mine. theirs is theirs and we all have to walk our own paths. My 18 yr old daughter was hit and killed by a car 4 days before graduation. i buried her in her graduation gown. it was almost 2 yrs ago. it is a part of me missing every single second. i dont know how i have woke up everymorning, cept for the fact that i believe in GOD and I have to wait for his time to see her again. One thing I do believe in is that we do go in spirit somewheres after this life. My daughter has been around alot to make me see that. is amazing. 6 months from the day she died at precisly the same time, a buck deer with huge antlers crossed our path as we were driving in our car, and it looked at us as it disapered in to the lawn of someones property. you dont know where i live, but there are no deers around here. it was amazing. I quess i am just trying to tell u that we gotta find soemthing to smile about. i agree with you, music doesnt do it anymore, movies, mini golf, driving in the car, drinking in a bar, i dont care anymore. i keep trying to tell myself my daughter wouldnt want me to be this way. that is my motivation. and my husband. he was my wall. now he lost his job he took chantix medicine and it f----ed him up good. its one thing after another. is daughter is monster child, thankfully moved in with her mother recently. i tried, i tried i tried. boy did i. now shes gone and its weird. but quiet. lol. i so wish for you to wake up and try to find the part of you that was happy. if you ever were. i got a bird, i am learning to play the quitar and right now, those are my only happiness. oh, and my mom and dad, they keep my going. my hubby is so stressed and depressed, its like walking on egg shells. i hope i didnt deveate to far from your story. i tend to do that. i just hope u find the sun again as well as me. its gotta be that annoying statement, one day at a time. but i say, one minute at a time. good gosh, thanks for listening, god bless you and peace to all of us, young old, happy sad, whoever. everyone. <3

Hi from New Zealand, Imogene here. Sounds like you have the blues or depression here. I get like that when I am not on anti depressants, I just cant see the point in anything. Dont want to even get out of bed.<br />
Try telling your doctor.<br />
I am really happy and bubbly people tell me.<br />
Praying for you big time.<br />
Hugs :)

I offer this, as something to think about:<br />
<br />
It seems to me that you've lost purpose, more than anything else. <br />
<br />
Life isn't about enjoying oneself, not first and foremost. There are very important, and deep things in life; things that matter.<br />
<br />
For that masculine core inside, you must do what you <i>have to do</i>. Not what you *like* to do, or even what you necessarily want or desire.<br />
<br />
Every man has a purpose; not because it is something mystical or spiritual, but because that is the way that our biology and psychology come together.<br />
<br />
There's no trick to it either. I think that most of the time we know our purpose, it's really just a matter of a refusal to admit to it.<br />
<br />
I suggest that it is time to put aside the superficial; find the man within.

Thanks for your kind words. Hopefully, things will change soon. I've tried to do it on my own, but I realized I need the true company and loving.<br />
However, I don't know if that will solve the total problem. But, we'll see. <br />
<br />
Fact is I cant spend all my time with my better half if I had one.

i cannot tell you what to do,but know you are not alone in it.Many people are like you,finding the one for you is not easy in that way but live life how you want to and all will fall into place in the end.I am just like you,i can't fake happiness when it's not in my heart,i never could.But i did find someone that also doesn't like going out so much and who loves it just being home with me and watch a movie or play a game so keep hope alive!There are so many more like us out there!Don't fear,one day she will come to you.When you look for something you can't find it,when you stop looking it'll come knocking at your door...Good luck!