What Do You Want From Me? A Wake Up Call

Another summer is passing me by and yet that means the year which is basically half completed is also almost past. 

I have lost my grip on true life even though my thoughts are directed towards trying to find peace. 

Been beaten down every path I have taken and it all just seems to get worse as the days move on.

I run from the pain by finding  chores to do around the house.  

Finding the motivation to do anything is the first hurdle that somehow I have managed to keep clearing. 

This isn't the first time in my life this pattern has emerged.

I have fallen into this cycle before.

I lose sight of who I am, who I want to be.  

"Who do I want to be?"  What a joke, once a man full of dreams and ambitions, now I near my 40s with one goal in my mind which is making it through another year. 

My brain once like a sponge now seems to direct me to just enjoying the simpler things in life. 

Hopes of becoming an author have dwindled.  

My relationship doesn't seem like much of a relationship at all.   More like two roomates caring for each other's needs.

Inspiration is few and far between to do much outside of the normal routine.

I'm tired of living in this life and  the struggle, yet I still value all life including my own.  

These hardships I am faced with I know are nothing compared to so many other people in this world.   

The worst part about hardships in a relationship is the guilt you are faced with every day.  The guilt of not being able to be all that you can be.  The guilt of not being able to help your partner achieve their goals in life.  The guilt that you offer little inspiration to motivate your partner.   Oh and then like in my case the part where your partner doesn't agree with what has to be sacrificed in order to survive the hardship.   They expect that magically everything will work out and I know from experience it doesn't work that way. 

So I say to God, I say to my girlfrend and I say to my children and my parents... What do you want from me?   

I have done everything that I can and I have been strung out to rot now.    Again if I just could focus just on me in every aspect of life I would regain my ability to appreciate what I have in life.   It's everyone else's expectations of me that are making me feel like a failure.  I know God's only expectation of me is to have endless Love.  

My love cup feels half empty and their seems to be a drought. 

My worth, my value in this lifetime seem very small.   I'm not sure if I disappeared tomorrow that I truelly would be missed for long.   After all I have no friends, just a girlfriend/roommate.    I think my one dog would miss me the most, she brings me joy and love.  Why can't dogs live forever, they certainly deserve to.   It breaks my heart even though she sits here next to me that both our lives are nearly half over.  

Live each day as though it's your last is a good motto.    I just had a few bigger ideas of what that once meant and my girlfriends ideas are even more grand.   

I'm failing and where I have failed before I have eventually recovered.  Is that inner drive still in me?  Are there still options left in this lifetime or this world to help me right my wrongs. 

I have searched, I have brain stormed and nothing is sinking in.  

Perhaps with all my failures and conquers in life, with each fall falling deeper and each success rising higher I can't break the pattern.  

Perhaps I just need to let go and see how deep the abyss actually wants to take me.    That path though is dangerous and the last one took me on a five year journey into the darkness.  

The father in me and the man in me is saying stand firm and ride out the waves this time.    Endure the pain, the struggle and the agony.   Take on tasks to keep you busy and don't forget to breathe.    I just wish for more moments of peace, but instead am constantly bombarded with wave after wave. 

Guess I better ask myself "Would you rather be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with no waves, or would you prefer where you are at?" 

This is what my life is like, wave after wave in the middle of no where, no land in sight., no sail, no paddle. 
chrisg1971 chrisg1971
36-40, M
Jul 17, 2010