How Am I Terrible???

I have a twenty one year old SS.  He has been living with us on and off for the last few months.   Now mind you, this young man had lived with us several times and has been nothing but lazy and completely miserable.  He has to sleep on the couch, so we all have curfews as to how long we can stay up, what time we should get up, what we watch TV.  Hadn't really paid anything to stay with us because he never had any money. Let me add that our financial situation is worse than paycheck to paycheck.  He eats us out of house and home (after we are sent to bed), and sleeps all night with the LCD television on.  He also has no quams about making comments about the sanitary conditions in our downstairs bathroom, which is primarily used and maintained by my 18 year old (so you can imagine).  But if he was in charge of the conditions in the upstairs bathrrom, I'm sure it would be the same..if not worse.  He has a job, but as soon as he gets home he takes a shower, eats his trough of food (that I make and pay for), abd proceeds to lay on the couch and bark orders at my youngest son that his father and I share.  When I say something to him about hit he will retort with something along the lines of "Oh, you can F'ing ride him and say whatever you want."  when I respond to him that "i am the mother" he responds with "Oh. lucky him"...This is really just a few things.  He also has a 16 year old sister that lives with their mother (who incidentally is a morphine addict)

ANYWAY..In the middle of March he had left to go stay at a motel that was closer to his job.  He would do this every so often and then reappear.

A month ago, we got a phone call that he had gotten arrested for heroine. My husband was on business and drove six and a half hours home from Pittsburgh. (Even though there was nothing he could do).   We found out that his bail had been set for $10000 with no bond. My husband and his ex-wife went to his arraignment, and then they retireved his vehicle from impound. $200 put on our credit card.  The young man proceeds to call a bunch of times in which they have to be pre-paid for at $2.50 a minute ($300 from our account).  After ten days in the slammer they allowed 10% bond.  Of that, the bail bondsmen would take half and accept installments thereafter. I had just gotten paid $475 (that my boss graciously fronted me)  We had $113 in our account before that.  Bringing our new found fortune up to $588 to last us for two weeks.  We had no groceries, and a service termination notice for our electric sat on our kitchen table. He took the $500 the next day and bailed his son out of jail.  Bringing the account balance to $88 to last us two weeks. It costs me $100 for gas so that I can get to work. Needless to say, with two other children that are still in school and our responsibilty, I wasn't pleased.
He has now been on my couch again for the last three weeks.  For the first week he had the attitude was anything was better than jail. Now, not so much.
He has the same put-out by our being there attitude and says that he can only give us $20 a week because he has to pay for out patient rehab to keep himself out of jail.  I have brought up the fact that I have had enough of the ungrateful, disrespectful, entitled attitude, and as always my husband took his side stating that I am selfish for looking for a pat on the back and everything has to always be about me.  This has been his response to me in regards to his children for the last ten years, so I really didn't expect anything different.  When I tell my husband that his son's actions have taken a household that had no meny into negative numbers, he tells me that there is nothing that his son can do about what happened its already done. My husband says that  his son needs to focus on himself right now and that he doesn't need to be burdened with the guilt that he may have made a bad situation worse.  Isn't that the epitome of selfishness? But it's ok for a 21 year old to do it. 
My husband is the kind of dad that does everything for the kids.  There is no taking ownership for your actions or consequences for unacceptable behavior.  I am the lesson teacher, the disciplinarian..the "hard ***".  Today I was told by my husband,while he stood in my office at my job) that I am a terrible mother for expecting my kids to own up, to take responsibility, to clean up after themselves, and learn that money doesn't grow on trees.  He continued to tell me that I am just jealous because he is tight with the kids.  I am so hurt and disgusted right now.  I don't know what to do.  I know I am not the easiest person, and I have flaws that are too numerous to count, but I can't take the line-drawing, hypocrisy that is always shoved in my face.  I am sobbing while typing this.  I have made an appointment to speak to m pastor in hopes that it will give me the strength and the desire to save my marriage.  Truth be told, if I could do it on my own I would throw him and his freeloading son out right now.  I am so sick of being told that I am wrong and selfish for wanting respect and appreciation, and wanting to teach all the kids (biological as well as step) some sort of work ethic.  Someone..anyone please, help me.  I am giving up a little bit of my moral fabric every day to accomodate my husband's  "i'll always wipe your behind and take care of your messes" style of parenting.  If I am wrong, can someone please explain to me as an impartial third party why I am. It may just give me some insight and maybe just save my marriage.  If there is anyone with advice please for the love of God, let me hear it..Thank you
stoptheinsanity stoptheinsanity
4 Responses May 10, 2012

I totally understand. Let get called by the cops to pick up your 18 yr old step daughter because she is drinking and driving. Did she get arrested no....we had to pick her up. No punishment only being consolded for being upset that her boyfriend broke up with her.<br />
No consequences - only rewards.

Here I am searching chat rooms for the first time because of a 21 yr old sorta SD, her dad and I have been together for 4 years and she has lived off and on for 2 yrs with us. It is basically the same story except for the drugs! She does nothing in the house and expects me do clean up after her, her dad makes excuses and says her mother does it all for her so she's used to that! Life is hell right now and I can't do anything about it and you can't either. She is the youngest of 3, didn't talk to her dad for 5 years but then needed a place to stay, all his GROWN kids are still playing one parent or the other and he realizes it, but still gives them anything they want, no consequences. At least her dad does recognize some of what she does or doesn't do, but if I complain about anything I am the ***** and to just let it go. My only saving grace is that hopefully she will be out in 2 weeks to go to school 3 hours from here and he says he won't let her move back in, if she does move back I will have to move out, I can't deal with this anymore, as much as I love him I can't handle living like this. It's a hard decision and I hope I don't have to make it, I feel so bad for you, I could cry because I know exactly where you are. You're not wrong, I hope things are working out for you but do get your own checking account or sock whatever money you can away.

If my SD moves back in (going through that grass is greener on other side moment right now ) I will be leaving as well. I put up with get hateful ways for three years and it was a blessing in disguise she left. She has no friends and is obsessed in a very weird way with her dads GF who only comes into town to see him on the weekend. They have already had issues with get weirdness so I tell my wife to just let it play out. My wife doesn't know that I will leave if she takes her back. SD is very cruel to both of us and the other kids. I do not plan to go backwards.

Oh and stoptheinsanity - kick the 21 out of the house. He is not only tearing down you, he is a horrible infuence on your kids. He is an adult, his name is not on the lease or mortgage he has NO RIGHTS to be there. He has friends, he as a biological mother or he can go live in a group home for druggies or his probation officer will have other options. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! ~ Izzy

OH stoptheinsanity,<br />
<br />
Honey, I am so sorry to hear this. Here is my advice. 1. Get a checking account in your name ONLY and have your paycheck automatically deposited into it. 2. If either you or your husband have health insurance and you can get councelling please go for it. 3. Your children need a parent not another friend. That is not to say that if your husband had tried to parent instead of befriend his kids that they would have turned out better, but the chances would have been greatly improved if he had. YOU DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS THE BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN. You need to be know that if your husband is not going to back you up and be the husband or father he should be that you can take care of yourself and your children. I have for years told my friends Never marry a man with kids and I still believe it in general terms. Unless you both have the same parenting ideas and you are both going to back one another up, don't do it. Wishing you the best, Izzy