I Still Don't Know My Sexuality After All These Years

I've spent most of my life battling with my sexuality. When I was a teenager you weren't allowed to be bi sexual, that wasn't cool, the straight kids had no understanding and thought I said this to be different or because I demanded attention. I couldn't go to any lesbian bars because in my confusion I consider myself bi and this was definitely not acceptable, in their eyes a was a pretend lesbian. So as a teenager I struggled with my inner feelings, however I had a really close butch friend, who I knew had a crush on me, but I have to admit I don't do the butch thing, I like girls that look like girls.

Over the years I have had many encounters with women and have been involved for a period of time with two. My close friends know I'm bi and always have done since my late teens. I remember becoming quite serious with one woman and tried telling my mum that I was involved in a relationship with her. I was really surprised by my mum's response. Me and her are close, we haven't always been that way, I was a rebellious teenager and I put her and dad through a serious amount of ****, but they were always there for me, and it was their love that brought me back to the straight and narrow. So you can imaging my shock when my mother told me it was a phase I was going through, and she never wanted me to talk about this again, or tell anyone in the family about the relationship. Needless to say not long after this me and my girlfriend split up. I was 28 years old at the time.

I have always dated men as well as having flings with women but I kind of had an idea that the person I would settle with would be my best friend, and I always thought a best friend would be of the same sex, but I never really took the thought process any further. So for the next 11 years I have been involved in 3 different relationships with men and periodically had brief encounters with women. I have built up a pattern of meeting a man and trying to settle down. For a while I can manage this, but I always end up with this feeling that something isn't right, and I yearn for the touch of a woman, and the closeness that can only come from the female bond. 

Now I'm pretty sure that somewhere in my subconscious I have an innate desire to please my mother, and there is a strong possibility that this desire stops me from acknowledging my true feelings and embracing the person I truly am. I have a deep sadness inside and I wonder whether it is all related to the fact that I am a baron woman (something else I have had to battle with throughout my life - I found out at 18yrs old) or whether some can be attributed to the fact I am not being true to myself. It is the strangest thing I'm extremely independent, strong willed and focused, however I struggle in social situations and definitely find it difficult to make important decisions for myself. One of my closest friends said I have a way of destroying situations around me so I don't have to make important decisions. Its a wonderful thing having lifetime friendships, as it is only those people who see you for who you truly are. 

So here I am yet again, involved in a male relationship, and engaged, just to add to the saga. I have a female friend who from the moment  I met I admired her and wanted to become closer to her. One evening about 3yrs ago we had an amazing experience, it happened just the once, we've both talked about it and how wonderful it was but have never repeated the experience. Both of us are involved with men and we keep our friendship at a distance, I think because on some level we can not trust ourselves to be loyal to our partners. I am about to move into a new home with my partner and everything has been fine, even happy, we are good friends and get along extremely well but still there is that feeling that just won't leave me alone. Something is not quite right and I'm back here again feeling like a teenager confused about my sexuality and asking that same question that has haunted me all my life. Am I gay and just too afraid to admit it?

bagpuss8 bagpuss8
36-40
Jul 9, 2010