After 16 Years, I Still Dream About My First Love.

I just woke up with after another dream about my first girlfriend. I've always had them here and there but lately these dreams haunt me every other day. When I say "haunt", it's not to say these dreams are bad--infact they are usually very sweet, but they often have me waking up with powerful emotions. In this latest dream, she moved into a house across the yard from me with her children. The house looked exactly like mine and one day I accidentally walked into the wrong house. The mistake was a pleasant one as it lead us to talk and i got to meet her children.

When i met her children i felt something like reverence. Perhaps it was a little closer to "wow-these are the children of my first love" I remember feeling that it was very good to meet them. I also had all kind of ideas of talking to her, helping her with her daily task, and whatever else i could do to be near her.

I remember a poem once that described well the emotion of the dream, though I've forgotten its title. The poem describes spring as a cruel reminder of autumns death as it peels away the comfortable blanket of winters forgetfulness. These dreams, however sweet, are a cruel reminder of the death of things long past.
hypermodern hypermodern
1 Response Jul 17, 2011

He he, so true.

I met my first sweetheart online back when this Internet thing was just blooming. We were from quite different cities and, being in high-school and all, neither of us put much thought into it.

We kept talking over the next years about things we liked and hated, meeting on Saturdays and Sundays. Then I went to the university and in the second semester of the first year we both got always-online Internet connections so we could talk day-in, day-out.

It was fun and weird, I can still remember the joy in my heart of knowing that someone is there to greet me and say: Good morning. I always woke up with energy and anticipation.

Then I was in-love with a former classmate who I couldn't get all that interested in me. I talked about this colleague over and over and she said later on she was jealous because I was so into that girl and that SHE wanted something like that. So sweet.

During June she was preparing to have a vacation out of the country and while preparing she just said: "And, by the way, I love you." Wow!!

It was unexpected and, boy, it brought a new level to my already existing state of exaltation.

All in all, she moved in the same city and, I for one, had the best time of my life. Too bad it had to end, be it grossly out of my own immaturity and not being quite able to easily convey my emotions to her.

It's been a lot of years since then and I had a number of other girlfriends, some worse and some impossible to use words to describe how good, well-behaved and beautiful they were, but my subconscious always returns to HER. Like Cobb's Mal. I have one Mal too. Yay! Deep, raw, unchanged and unmoving. Stuck forever in my mind.

Just this morning I dreamt I was in bed with Her sitting next to me, reading a book, and me just idling by. And I was fully aware I am somewhere else with my life, that I have a girlfriend who is just perfect, but I just couldn't resist to her calming, silent and enthralling presence. So I sat in my bed dreaming I sit in the same bed watching Her read some scientific book.

It is sad. And meeting her again won't do any good. She is a different person as am I and even if these two different versions of us would get along great, there will always be the shadow of our own break-up looming and hissing just around the corner.

That's just how things are. I never thought stopping at the first relation you have. I always knew I had to meet other people to know what's good to me, what's bad and who I am. Seems I found something about that in the end.

On the melancholy side, "How I met your mother", that TV series, just launched back then. And it keeps going even today by what I know. And it's so mind-boggling to watch it because whenever I see Ted, Barney, Marshall and Lilly, I remember sitting in my couch looking at the computer screen just waiting to be tomorrow so we'd meet up in front of a certain restaurant and go inside with me trying my best to get a glimpse of her perfumed hair.