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Twenty-five Years Later

About once a year, I have a very strong dream about the first boy I ever really loved, the one who broke my heart by actually turning out to be weak. At least, he wasn't as strong as I was.  Why my head can't remember that he was a jerk instead of idealizing him as a kind of supremely funny, smart, caring person, I'll never know.

 

The dreams are startling in their vividness and strength, the kind of dream that you keep remember for a few days afterward. I always wake up with a feeling of happiness, but as soon as I realize I'm back in 'the real world', I feel very sad.

 

 

DoyEnne4475 DoyEnne4475 36-40 4 Responses Mar 27, 2009

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Mine are sometimes the most beautiful thing, and yet, this morning, I literaly felt I was reliving our old breakup. I nearly committed suicide and perhaps that is why I'm so very upset. It comes on uncontrolled, out of the blue, for no apparent reason EVERY SUMMER...We were together almost four years, high school to college before he joined the Nat'l Guard and we fell apart that last year. I know he's now married (no children yet as far as I know) and as much a I am happy for him, I wish these dreams would and could be obliterated for good. When they're good, it doesn't bother me so much, but when it's bad, it makes me cry, I feel depressed, and the pain just sits in the pit of my heart and stomach unwilling to leave me for however long it takes, this time, I'm afraid for myself. I've come such a long way, and entirely single, so I wonder if maybe it's just an unconscious longing for days of gone by or something...But it hurts, it hurts a lot. He ended up cheating on me and brought the girl back home with him. Yet somehow, I was the one who got the bad reputation. When I didn't live here back in my home city, I didn't recall having these dreams, but I can't just get up and leave either, and all I want to do is escape from old friends and familiar faces...I do not attribute these people or this place to (him) per se, but it doesn't seem to be a help either...I often wish he suddenly just died, so I could feel free of this bond that never seems fully to have broken, at least, not on my end. Seeing him, scares me, it makes me miss him and wish we were still together, as if soulmates..I wish I met someone new, but he cursed me a long time ago, and it's as if, real, that I would never fall in love with anyone as good as he was, or anyone who loved me as much as he did..TO this DAY, I never have, I've never been in love or cared as I did for him, and it's time to get it out of my system but how when I'm not even consciously thinking of him?

I keep having those dreams of my first love, as if he wants to talk to me in real life but at the same time is happily Married I suppose. I feel like if I'm really there with him I see his face and hug talk hold hands. It's been over 23 yrs that we Divorced .at a very young age. But I still think of him no matter what. We Promised to love each other for ever for in sickness and in Health.

I think everyone has someone like that. In a way, you want to fix them so that they live up to what you believe they could be but never actually become.

I feel your pain... I am in the same situation just not so many years later... Constantly wanting to call him, thinking about him, wondering if he's doing well... That's the one that touch your heart forever..