I Broke His Heart To Save Myself

I'm writing this and I'm wondering what he is thinking. After 3 years of a relationship I finally got the guts to call it off, but now that I did all I can think of is how I want to be with him, how I miss his caressing words. The cuddles on the couch, the hot chocolate when I was sick, the bike rides and the gifts, the time and the thought spent in just being with me.

I miss him so much, I feel awful because now I'm the bad one, the one who broke it off, the one that hurt him and who he will never want to talk to or share his life with again. And yet...

I won't miss how he put me down.
The way his friends whom I've never met, who only know me through his words all seem to hate me and express their dislike.
I won't miss the way he made me question my beliefs
I won't miss his bigotry, his hatred of people who were different.
The name calling, the way he hated my family, the way he separated me from my friends, the jealousy, the lies, the insecurity, the anxiety.

I thought you took the bad with the good, no matter what. Being around people who are normal though made me realize that you aren't supposed to cling so tightly you choke your partner. I was drowning, losing myself to the 'us' of our relationship. And yet...

I still miss him. I want to make sure he's okay, I want to hold him and stroke his hair and reassure him that tomorrow will be better. I want to take back the words that ended it and replace them with love and caring. But I can't, I'm the one that broke his heart, that ended it to save myself. I have hope for a better love in the future. For now though....all I can think about is how I hurt him, and that hurts me now, more than anything. I only hope that it will get better, that we both will survive this, apart but better for it.
ccapron ccapron
22-25, F
3 Responses Sep 15, 2012

Contact him???? You out of your mind??? Yes you are. Ya, contact him again and let him jump you until you realize that he is not the man he was .

you have to remember why u broke up with him. and contacting him again will only suck u in again so i advise u stay strong and let him nurse his grief with his friends

Thanks, I really appreciate your comment, it's been hard but you're absolutely right.

glad i could help

Hey, i understand. I ended a 9 year relationship. There wasnt a lot of good things about it though like the cuddling etc.. I just felt alone and not cared for.. I cried my eyes out, and he as truly upset but I knew I had done the right thing.

A few months down the line, he said he was happy and I was too, so it was the right decision.

I was then in another relationship, again similar, where I didnt know his friends, but knew that they would hate me and the facebook comments proved it. He ended it with me, and i was absolutely heartbroken and am slowly trying to put myself back together.

i have learnt so much about myself over the last few weeks, I think you are right, you cant love with all your heart because men cant handle it. I have now learnt to hold back too.

Ending such a long relationship must have been so hard, even now after two weeks I can hardly stand it. Thanks for your story, it helps to know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

No problem. I hope you realise it really was for the best. although I keep seeing things that say no man is perfect no relationship is perfect. we do deserve to be treated with respect and love.