Forever...and Yet Never

It started 3 years ago...I enjoyed the company of a fellow co-worker. We could never be together(our beliefs won't permit it) so I never saw her as more than an acquaintance. We began going to lunch as a group with others, then we began going alone. One day, she asked to just hang out after work. We both acknowledged each other's beliefs and views on life, she even disclosed that she didn't have romantic feelings for me. Still I insisted that hanging out wouldn't be a good idea because I didn't wan't to take any chances. She happily respected and agreed with my opinion. We still remained friendly towards each other. She would ask a couple of more times in the weeks that followed, but I always made an excuse.
I honestly never envisioned us being "together". Ones day a mutual acquaintance tells me," you two should date. You seem so happy together". I replied," Yeah I really like her." But then I explained why we could never be together.
Apparently, our co-worker told her what I had said...that I liked her. So that night we talked on the phone, as we did quite frequently, and she asked," why do you like me?" I said that she was great to work with and so nice toward others. She then interrupted me and asked, "no...why do you LIKE me?" I wasn't sure what to heart suddenly began to overflow and I said," you have a wonderful personality, and your smile is the best part of my day". We then spent hours and hours confessing, respectfully, our feelings for one another. I could not deny how fulfilling she was to me.
So, upon returning to work we began taking breaks together. At least once a day, we would remind each other how we couldn't be together. But that didn't keep us from being in each other's company.
"Hold my hand" she would say, but I refused...I can't begin to tell you the conflict in my heart. Days later, she would say again," hold my hand." While I knew we could never be, I knew that the closer we got, the more complicated things would be. So finally one day, I held her hand in mine, we smiled at each other...I teared up because she is so precious in my eyes.
As time would pass, she would make more suggestions...such as kissing, touching, and being intimate. And in the months that followed I would resist, but ultimately succumb to my passion for her. I love her. We began to spend a lot of time together. I even became attached to her 2yr old daughter also. I would dream about them both from time to time.
Quite a few times we would both acknowledge that we shouldn't be persuing our emotions, but then we would talk about how much we loved one was very painful. She would criticize my beliefs, then I would criticize hers. But then we would cry in each other's arms because we wanted so desperately to make it work somehow.
I even surprised her with her favorite flowers during her classes. She cried and said that she couldn't believe that I existed...and that she loved me so much. My emotions were running so high.
Work, and just life in general was so miserable. I couldn't focus for
30 seconds. My work was suffering, and my spirituality was suffering. Everyone would ask what was wrong with me, but I denied anything was wrong. My heart, my soul was eating me alive, but I refused to live without my love.
So one day, I called her after work and confessed my bleeding heart and how much she means to me. With tears in my eyes and my voice shaking, I confessed," I don't know what is going to happen between us...but no matter what happens, I want to be with you...forever....I love you." I relive this moment every day in my mind. She strangely replied, " Why would you think that we could be together? Why can't you see it?" She then began ridiculing me and my beliefs. "You're confused." She said, and then hung up. I then pulled over to the side of the road, and cried uncontrollably in disbelief.
I spent the next few days at home laying on the floor in my room. No texts, no calls. I was contemplating life, and what it was now worth. Days later, she would text me, but her messages where very impersonal, indirect, and generic. Weeks before she told me that she wanted to be a part of me, and that she wanted to have my child. As a man, there was nothing more meaningful said to me in my entire life. Now, she started texting me as though we were just friends. Even leaving voice mails like she hardly knew me. This hurt me so much.
I staring seeing a psychologist...I needed help and I was afraid. After about a month, I quit seeing the psychologist because I started feeling worse. Everything in my life is meaningless. I don't know how I get through every depressing day. Something somewhere has to give. Over the past year, I've written over 50 poems depicting my tragedy. I can't write anymore because I can't hardly think normally anymore.
The last thing she texted me was, "If you ever want to be friends, I'm available." I didn't reply.
I can't describe, put into words, or begin to explain what I've become. I don't see how I could possibly live this way much longer. To be unloved and be so worthless. No one will ever know.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

Perhaps since you have conflicting faiths, there could be a possibility that her family would never approve of you two being together? Thus her instant coldness towards you when you confessed your love for her..maybe she felt the same but could not have you and her family in her life at the same time. Just one guess idk, theres more to your story I'm sure. Dealing with my own heartache, by dealing I mean ignoring my pain..the woman I loved also had a young child that I became attached to. Her breaking up with me was twice the pain because I can't see him anymore. So I know how that feels. Alot of the pain comes from not knowing why you were strung along the way you were by her. Wanting an answer to your question of why she did and said what she did and being afraid of getting answers that will hurt even more than just not knowing instead. It really sucks to have love thrown back in your face, sorry.

Thanks for reading. I'm sorry about that, I really understand where you're coming from. And moving on...well, it's easier said than done. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, that I just scream "why?" and cry aloud when I'm alone.
I don't want anyone to see what I've become, or see how emotionally unstable I am. I get home in the afternoon, and I never go out. Laying down is all I am motivated to do. This "man" that I am today, is the complete opposite of who I once was. I feel so, so worthless. I make sure to never look at myself in the mirror...I don't like what I see. Each day, every task, is almost more than I can bear.