Forbidden Fruit

I cut off ALL contact with him..deleted MSN.. deleted viber.. deleted his number from my phone.

But, u see for FOUR years, it’s been a habit. He leaves me offliners on msn. I’m eager to know if he bothered to at all now that I told him I’m leaving. I told myself NO! No downloading msn..No checking if he has messaged. I mean he did not bother texting me, so clearly he has moved on with HER. Stop… just STOP!

Why torture myself like this?

But.. I’m doing it… I have to know.. I need to know… maybe it will be another SLAP in the face, piercing jolt through my heart..a soul CRUSHING revelation that he doesn’t care.. and I can let go COMPLETELY – I wish.

He is the FORBIDDEN fruit. If I taste him I’ll fall into ETERNAL sin – one that cannot be washed away.

But, sadly, I’m the female Adam. He is my Eve. I must taste his apple or I will never be at peace..

I’m a weakling… I make myself sick. Yet I do it. TYPICAL.. I perpetuate the cliche of a bloody doormat.

Why men love *******? Because if a man wrongs her, she’d tell him to **** the hell off and won’t look back.. not even for a second. But here I am, feeding my Doormat-ish needs, falling into this cycle of pain, self-hatred and self-inflicted emotional torture. I create my own hell- I’m well aware.

Yet.. here I am .. a SLAVE to IM-ing technology. Looking for comfort, looking for reason, grappling for residual love from him. Pathetic.

Will I NEVER learn? .. Ok here goes.. I’m downloading MSN…
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 13, 2013