Can't Let Go, Or Won't Let Go?

This whole thing just seems silly to write about. He lives in another state, and our "relationship" started out as a purely sexual premise so I don't think either of us took it seriously to start with. As we chatted online and became pretty close, over the period of a month, I began to develop strong feelings for him. It wasn't until he started backing off that I realised how intense they had become. I missed him.

A month later, I found out he'd been dating another man locally. I was heartbroken. But it was another month before we had "the talk." Despite all the things I'd realised we have in common, he went back to the start of our relationship as the main connection we have--and the main reason it wouldn't work. Then he said we will only ever be casual friends. Broke my heart, again.

It's been four months since that happened. I still think about him every day, how much I care about him and want to at least be close friends with him. We chat every week or two now. He is careful not to show interest in me, leaving me to start all of our conversations, but I can tell by the way he treats me that he cares. I have pushed him beyond breaking point by not backing off as he wants me to, but he just delays his responses. He never says anything to hurt me.

Now we are finally talking about meeting; as friends, of course. When I asked him, he ignored my message for a few days before admitting he's still interested, and he's hoping to get some work in my area soon. I'm excited about spending time with him, dying to finally see how he feels, nervous that he will finally see how I feel, worried he will bring his partner along, scared I will just fall deeper in love...

The last 7 months of my life have been an emotional rollercoaster. Part of me regrets ever falling for him. I can't stand the fact that sometimes I resent him for the pain I've gone through over him. Then there is part of me that realises what an amazing friendship we could have if feelings were never involved. In the end, I can't get over him, so I go back to loving him, to spoiling him with affection and kindness. Because if nothing else, I know I can always put him in a good mood for the rest of the day, and when I make him happy, I am extremely happy.

Then I back off, and the cycle repeats.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 20, 2013