Wrote This When I Was 18 And A Drama Queen So Please Forgive Any Grammatical, Cultural Or Cheese-worthy Offences

are words enough to express how i feel **** thats a CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY start but it makes me feel better. I'm ******* mad writing this. that's how you know i clearly have plenty of time on my hands. arrrggghhh! should just get 2 the point. days are over and nights are long the end is nigh an yet I'm here. can you tell me why? i don't trust you and yet I'm praying for a day when i can finally show this to you without feeling ashamed, embarrassed or pathetic. maybe it was my fault. I'm talking all this gibberish when im supposed to have gotten to the point. you hate me i think. na, hate is too a strong a word. you have a certain dislike for me which you thought was not possible seeing that everyone loves you. i brought that illusion crumbling to the ground.

i hate what I'm writing i sound like one of those pathetic love-sick people who don't have a life and hence spend the rest of their days reciting their poetic achievements to the wall in which they believe possess the shape and form of their true love which because of circumstance beyond their control has left their pleas for love unrequited. in english I'm being sloppy. i want to be strong. that's silly because that's the cause of all my trouble and why I'm writing this letter now. i appear to be untouchable and unphased by circumstance around me. but that's just a front. i let that happen because i don't want to get hurt. i may not have had any experiences for me to think that way but as the say goes prevention is better than cure. if i do this no one will hurt me because there will be nothing to hurt. yh i know I've dished out more pain and hurt than I've received but they deserved (that sounds unrepentant)

I'm a failure. I've let so may people down you, me, my family. DISAPPOINTMENT should be written all over me just to warn people off. we should never have started seeing each other. its only gone and complicated things and made it harder for us to talk. In all honesty id never really thought of you in that way before not until we broke up the first time round right after camp i realised that i did actually like you, and quite a lot. i handled it badly. but that's just me. i really did want to be with you i suppose i just didnt know what was good for me at the time and i wanted to hurt you like you hurt me so i sed no when you txt me to say you'd made a mistake.

id always wondered why you thought you'd made a mistake. first of all i thought you were feeling bad about it and felt sorry for me. then i thought you were merely using me to fullfill your own sexual fantasies (be honest i think that was part of it any way) then i thought maybe you were actually ginuene. well that was untill you said youd dint want a 'serious relationship'. that really caught me off guard. i was baffled if you didnt want a serious realationship and you didnt fancy the idea of a causal one i really didnt know what you wanted. you see, with me there is no middle ground for things like these, there cant be. that's how people can never figure out where the relationship started and where it ended and we'd be just as bad as non-believing suicidal 'white-punks' out there.

i didnt want that. the 'old married couple' thing was all i could go on. it was secuirty, insurance whatever you want to call it and if i wasnt going to get that from you there was no point in continuing. i needed to feel safe to have someone/thing to fall back on at that time and since you didnt want that it shook me. it was all i was thinking about when i went blackpool, that and my relationship with God. For me if i was going to compromise my faith in God it had to be for a ginune reason not just acting on a whim. i figured since you didnt feel the same way there was no other alternative but to end it.

But thats whats been bugging me since. If you didnt care how come it felt natural, so right that sunday before i went away. i felt so at ease with myself and around you. you said the most horrible things about church and pastors but yet it didnt matter cos i just accepted that it was you. oh I'm sorry I'm going on a bit. i was feeling down that day and was contemplating whether or not i should have just called you to cancel it but I'm glad i didnt cos when i left the park i was quite happy. and it was just you showing up but i think you also having an opinion i could actually deal with. its funny now cos i broke up with you cos i felt you were no good for me that you were the one besetting sin (amongst many) that i had not yet given up to get straight with God. yet since you left i havent been to church since i cant say prayers cos im ashamed to come before God. why am i telling you this? its pretty sad you've moved on found someone eles are happy and not having any children i hope. i guess i have to otherwise its gonna be bugging me again.

i suppose its what you give that's what you get back. i gave very little of myself away (at the time i thought it was a lot) and i got back very little from you. i guess that's why we dont have very much to say to each other. i got ur txt two days l8 i think, cos of the signal. the one about me being the one that you could love. it really hurt. hurt me cos i felt id made a mistake hurt me cos you hadn't told this to me sooner and hurt me cos i wanted you to love me. to need me like id loved and needed you. and when you sent that it sort of confirimed that i had liked you more than you did me and i was right about acting on a whim. if u hadn't had like loved me then i was never going to be the one for you. why can't i accept that!it hurts right now cos i cant accept that you dont love me and i was wrong. was i wrong about you? id always promised myslef that the only guy id give up my body to was my husband dnt get me wrong i didnt intend for you to marry me or nothing but i wanted to to at least be right in the choices i made about guys. i suppose thats why id never really bothered with em cos i cant be sure id be right. I cant stand being wrong. yh i might learn from mistakes but it also connote regrets and resentment at the choices youve made and if you can trust your own decisions who eles can you trust?

im not sayin either that i regret being with you if anything its the opposite. its only you i want to be with. and if i do hold some regrets its only because i cant be with you now. for some reason i dont want this letter to end. its like how we were both feeling the last time i came round yours. i didnt want to leave i knew you didnt want me to leave yet you were playing that stupid computer game and it annoyed me cos you didnt tell me untill i had to leave. i wanted you to put your arms round me and tell me it was going to be altright and you'd forgiven me and i didnt have to leave for good. although you didnt want me to leave i felt that you were happy to see me go out of your life. i didnt go to the bus stop like i sed. i went for a walk it wasnt intentional but i took a wrong turn and ended up i upton park before i realised it. it was quite theraputic, like this letter. i wanted to cry. but i didnt i knew id look stupid in a skirt and heels with tears pouring down. and i suppose i didnt want to give you the satisfaction. 

i got home at last. tried to really forget about yo and us the 'we' that was never meant to be. couldnt. so i made myself hate you. it helped for a while i saw all the bad things in you that id turned a blind eye to but figured since were oblivous to my new found contempt and loathing for you there was no point. guess thats why im writting this now. to relieve some of the pain. gosh, i should really get a life! i really need to hear the sound of your voice some how it consoles me and makes up for... i dont know it makes up for something. i dnt like it when we txt each other it takes too much away from the orginal context and can easily be misinterpreted.

as much as i would have liked thing to have taken a different route i suppose i can accept that you've moved on and found someone better.this isnt making sense i know, you've never understood me. but i'll be ok now. no more need for psycharists and metal institutions.

etopful etopful
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

Life goes on, in the end :)<br />
<br />
Hope you are and is stayin happy.