I Love The Way You've Hurt Me

Where do I even ******* start? Perhaps on 9/8/2008 when I saw her for the first time in my science class. How beautiful she was! But distant. Untouchable, unthinkably special though. Come the next year, she began flirting with my friends and we became friends ourselves, but she didn't flirt with me that much. Then she started liking me by the spring, and my feelings for her were starting to develop beyond just her beauty. Then the day it all began for real. 6/15/2010-a kiss and a light touch of her breast in a van. I had finally felt a woman. Then I felt a shove from behind me. It was my friends who liked her flipping me off, however, they had never told me they were opposed to me getting with her. She told me they didn't mind! She lied! We didn't talk for the remainder of the summer until 8/24/2010 when we reconciled. Rebuilding a ****** up relationship during the next year, we landed in the same STS group in early 2011. She spilled her heart out and it was so inspirational. Then I found out she liked me again and I knew I still liked her too. Come 5/12/2011 I ask her out and she accepted. We were a couple! Finally, my dream girl was mine. Then she started playing her games. Blaming all the problems of the relationship on me, when she was the one who was bipolar, who was moody and who sent me mixed signs. Then come 5/24/2011, things were looking up. We hooked up again. It was incredible. After a rocky start, our relationship was coming together. Then on 6/1/2011, out of nowhere, she broke up with me. Later I found out it's because she wanted to be with another guy who in reality was using her as bait for another girl. I felt like a complete chump. I got played. But still I loved her so. I finally told her on 6/24/2011 how much she meant to me and that I loved her. But for the rest of the summer she was giving me the cold shoulder. By the new school year, she was sick of me. So I backed off. Two weeks or so later, I find out she likes me again. Ecstatic, I knew she wanted to hang with me outside of school, so I made the suggestion to her. After toying with me, she blew me off last second and pushed the knife fully into my heart. I'm done, I thought. I can't take this **** anymore. Now I hear she wants to get with me again. These last couple of months I've started smoking and drinking regularly after only doing it sometimes or on rare occasion last year. The energy towards drugs and alcohol for me, I've realized, is to get me to a point where I feel nothing and won't have to beat myself up over this girl. And after all that's happened, I still love her, and to be honest with myself, I always will.