Still Love My Ex Bf

I still love my ex boyfriend. I have loved him since I met him, we were perfect together and he seemed like such a perfect match for me and I was a perfect match for him. We dated for like 9 months, had plans to live together and everything, then out of nowhere I come home to a note and he had left me. I had no idea, I was devastated, all I wanted was him back, I cried everyday, couldn't eat, I was a mess. I kept in contact with him, I knew he still had feelings for me, but I kept getting rejected, then one day to my surprise he wanted to win me back. It was amazing and although I was scared, I loved him and took him back, we had only been broken up for a couple months and he seemed to realize what he had lost.

We dated again for 7 months, although I found it harder to trust him again, I knew I would and I loved him and he was always saying he was there to support me, I had a cancer scare and other things and he was always there, and then one day it happened again....he came over and I wasn't expecting him....he left me again. He wanted to break up. I mean, I can't say I was too surprised, he had done it before, he can't talk about his emotions and would rather run away, but it still hurt just as much as the last time. I did things different, I deleted him from my social networking, deleted his friends, got rid of any reminders of him and tried not to contact him (although he owed me money, lots of money, so I contacted him about that) We come to a point a month and a half later, talked, but like the last time, he doesn't seem to want me back...rejection again, just like the last time. He suggested we go to the movies "just as friends, he wont try anything" I agreed happily, but that burned, that hurt, just friends,...but I love you. The next day, I told him I couldn't go, it's been almost 3 months now and I cried just thinking about being just his friend, not being able to be with him that way. He was always contacting me since the break up, wanting to be my friend, saying he doesn't plan on dating anyone.....leading me to believe he still has feelings.

But just friends he says....well I don't think I can do that, it hurts. He hasn't contacted me since and its been a week. I am kinda of glad and sad at the same time. Part of me loves him and plans to get him back because I know we can be great together if he can grow up past his emotional lacking capabilities, but part of me wants to just be free from this hurt and rejection, part of me doesn't want to want him anymore, if I didn't still love him it would be easier....but I do.

I don't know what to do, I try each day to be positive and focus on me, but I think of him everyday and want him in my life....hopefully we can be together again, I don't want to be one of those people who never gets over there ex and never gets them back, he didn't say he stopped loving me, maybe he is just scared and confused, I try to analyze it all, and drive myself crazy.

I hope life will get better and I hope I can get through all of this no matter what the outcome, I love him and want him back, but if that isn't possible (and I hope it is) thenĀ  I want to be able to move on and find someone who appreciates and loves me because I know I am worth it and I don't deserve this hurt.
be2cute be2cute
22-25, F
1 Response May 16, 2012

Hi. I feel in many ways this is my story. For me its been a month since our latest breakup, though... and I wish I could fast forward to a time when I wouldn't care anymore. But it seems these feelings can last very long - which is what I see for you. I wish I knew how it would turn out for you and for me.