I Wish She Would Call Me.I wish it every day... I know I shouldn't', not because she is no good for me or because she mistreated me in any way, not because she did something unforgivable or because I wronged her and don't deserve her back. Quite the opposite in fact, she made me want to be a better person because of the amazing person she was.. IS... and I gave her my all, loved her with everything I had. I believe she loved me too, if only for a short while, with everything she had too. BUT, and it's a big but, I know she couldn't't possibly love me like she should or she never would have left.
This is why I shouldn't want her back, and because she left without being able to give me a real reason. She left all questions unanswered, everything that had been so tightly wound was now undone and I don't know why... except that she was unhappy in some way.. I know her well enough to know that it was likely some thing, some small thing that bothered her in a big way, likely as misinterpretation on a look or a statement. Something that spoke volumes to her though it was never meant to hurt her at all.
And I know her well enough to know she won't call, she won't show up at my door, or message me because she can't stay away any longer.. Even if she wanted too, even if she wants to, she won't. she is too proud and maybe even too afraid.. But I doubt that's the case, even though she is Queen of putting on a good front when everything inside is in pieces, she also happens to be Queen of moving forward - no regrets, life is too short. And thank god she is so stoic or she never would have lasted so long, she wouldn't't be the strong yet tender young woman she is now.. inside there may be darkness but she will never despair.
I am not so strong though, and I cannot help but hold out hope that though all evidence shows that she has moved on, that she is just fine without me and happy with her decision, that its all just a front, a mask. I pray that she needs me and wants me as she once did, that she is longing for me like I long for her. That she wishes she was safe in my arms and that she could Let down her guard and open up hear heart and soul, that she could come home to me and bear all, Laugh, Cry..Love
God I miss her laugh.. I miss her smile.. her quarks..her eyes: So intense! they hold more emotion, pore passion, more fear, more hope, more strength and weakness than one person should be able to posses.. I miss the way she feels, the way she smells, the way she moves, the way she thinks.. I miss looking at her and seeing the mother of my children, I miss watching her stir a pot and thinking how I couldn't wait till we had our own kitchen. I miss watching her smile and wondering how I got so lucky. I miss holding her when she cried and almost feeling satisfied because I would never let anyone hurt her again... I miss my happy ending..
What I would give to know the story wasn't over.. I'm not asking for a fairytale, this was too real.. all I ask is that she still loves me, that she will show up at my door and tell me that fear drove her away but something stronger brought her back..and I'll finder her hair and touch her cheek, I'll hold her close and feel that intensity almost akin to pain as she presses into me like the very first time we met..
And I'l know we are both home.
.. If not, I would like to just here her voice..
Poodlelez 22-25, F 15 Responses 7 May 15, 2011