Indecisive About Him

I've been with my ex for 8 yrs now. We were always on and off from to time. I was always the one that broke it off b/c of his old habits. I wanted him to change it but he was always stubborn. I figured breaking up w/ him would make him fix his mistakes, but it didn't work. I still loved him very much even when we were apart. There was a time we weren't together for 2 years and I still didn't get over him. It was very difficult that I didn't want to get to know other men. I later found out that he was dating another chick. What angered me most was that he kissed her in front of me. I just couldn't believe he would hurt me to that point. Even though, he said that he was still in love w/ me when he was w/ her, I didn't want to care anymore. After that pt, I had minor crushes. There was another man that was like EVERYTHING I had dreamed of, but the sad part was, there just wasn't that "chemistry" btwn the two of us. I didn't want to pretend that I felt the way he felt towards me too, so I let him go. It bothered my ex knowing that I had a guy I was talking about. But, I'm glad he felt that way.

After letting that guy go, I did end up wounding back w/ my ex. Things btwn us weren't the same as I wanted. I continue to break off our relationships still b/c he would do dumb things, call me horrible names, became over-protected, etc. At times, I became so lost. I didn't want to be w/ this man anymore, but the next thing, I felt I spent so much time trying to make our relationship work, I shouldn't give up on it now. So much has happened btwn us. The closer we got, the more difficult it got trying to get along. My tears still run down my cheeks constantly when he would yell, ignore, or act like he doesn't care about me. I still love him. Currently, we aren't officially dating, though we are still seeing each other. I've been through so much w/ him and have realized that I deserve so much better. Sadly, I can't seem to leave him. I want to at times still, but I just can't build enough courage to do it. Instead, I continue to let our relationship become this unstable relationship that I can't handle anymore.

Knowing that there are better men out there in the world, I still find my ex the only one I'll love dearest to my heart. Though things aren't at it's best, I look forward in meeting a man who'll treat me right. Who'll care about the simplest things about me. Who's willing to open up to me. I know it's probably not a good thing to have this in the back of my head, but as much as I love my ex, if I continue to feel this unhappiness and dissatisfaction with him, maybe it's time to leave. I shouldn't settle for less.
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Apr 26, 2012