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He's In The Way Of Moving On

My ex husband is in the way of me ever loving any one else. When we were married I promised to God that if anything ever happened and we split apart, that I would become a nun and serve God only until I died. I divorced him... was having affairs online and finally in person I had an affair... During the marriage I lusted after another man. My husband and I were not having sex, and perhaps that made me want another man. I compared the man and my husband and saw so many things that I wanted my husband to be. He would not finish collage, he would not play his guitar, he would not talk to me about having children, he would not save money with me, he did not want me to continue on with school, he did not want to travel to Europe with me..... there were so many things I wanted to do with him that he did not want. So, I became angry and frustrated. I mistreated him all the time. I could not have a discussion with him with out showing my contempt. I would constantly interrupt him.......... OH GOD.... I WAS SO HORRIBLE TO HIM. I'm so sorry..... I want to fix the hurt and repair the damage... SO MUCH.... But... it's been twenty years. I've lusted and fallen in and out of love since... but it's all been fleeting and temporary. No one, not one person has been able to replace him. Deep in my heart I still feel married to him. Now, he has no clue about all this. I want to call to beg to plead that he give up his life with his woman of twenty years... ask him to start over where we left off. That's ******* ridiculous I know. That's what I want to do. Oh, God help me.... I want to love another person the way I loved him, and I want a family like we had. I'm with a man for ten years and I feel like my ex has been in the way the whole time.
bumblefuzz bumblefuzz 46-50 3 Responses May 13, 2012

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Thanks for your reply... I have to be honest... I think he was confused most of the time. I told him I loved him, I took a vow to stay with him until death. Then, I was hateful and angry a lot of the time. He was confused... did I love him or not? That's not the way loving people act. I'm working on anger management and assertive ex<x>pression now. That's been the culprit in many of my relationships. An inability to feel confident in expressing who and what I am and need. I'm pretty certain that it comes from upbringing, God rest my mother. And not to blast or blame my parents, I don't think I learned properly how to handle relationships in a healthy way.

That's an incredibly touching and thoughtful response. Thank you so much! I understand that I may never see or hear from him again. I hope, but am trying to trust in God that what will be will be. Again, I'm thankful for your post and hope that others benefit from your insight.

You need to forgive yourself for any part you played in the relationship that was destructive and hurtful. The bible says "we all stumble many times". I hang onto that verse because it helps me understand our human imperfections and it makes it easier for me to forgive myself. I too just played a destructive part in a relationship and I have lost my love. I wish I could go back and love him better but I cant. Twenty years is a long time. Carrying around that burden doesn't allow you to move forward. Even if you have to fake it a little, hold your head high and walk with confidence. Do little things in life to help out a friend or family member and you will feel better about yourself and get your confidence back and increase your chances of attracting a new partner.<br />
Please remember, as I have reminded myself, that it takes two to make and break a relationship. If he didn't want to stay in it and work at it back then, then he had a right to move on, but realize he made mistakes too, we all do. I wish good things for you as well as myself. Keep the faith.