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I Could Never Be Her

My ex and I were together 6.5 years.  Before he moved in he said after living together a year we'd make plans to get married.  Three years later the promise never came through.  By then I was a bitter angry mess because I wanted to have a baby and he said he did too but WOULDN'T unless he was married.  Finally after much pain and neglect (I don't know when it started to happen but it really got my feelings even more bitter) he stopped sleeping in the same bed, stopped having sex with me, wouldn't make dates (actually a lot of that had been going on for several years), rarely said I love you, etc.  We DID go to counseling together but it turns out he had the hots for the "smokin hot asian counselor" I chose.  Finally I told him I couldn't live with him anymore because I was doing everything around the house, working tons of overtime and being so neglected in the girlfriend department that something screamed at me that he really didn't want to be with me.  He moved out but promised we'd still date and work on getting back together.  Never happened.  Less than two years later he is engaged to a filipina he met on line and I'm with someone else who I'm probably going to marry in the next year.  BUT I still love this man regardless of everything because the man I fell in love with wasn't the man who hurt me.  Or was it?  Forget it, I'm sure he was always that way.  But I could never be "her" his new fiance and he always had the hots for asians.  I always wanted to know why he stayed with me but then realize probably because of the room and board and stuff.  I don't know how to let him go and it breaks my heart each time I close my eyes and see him in my mind.   He actually made fun of me to his friends saying "I didn't even treat her that well and still she cares."  I told him "You even desecrate love."  God it sounds so pathetic when I write it all out like that ... so very pathetic.  How can I still LOVE someone who hurt me so badly?  But I do.  And it comes between my bf and I because I find myself in tears and missing my ex so much even though everything is 100% better with the new boyfriend.  The ex's gf knows about me and I won't even go IN to what that situation was like when "he" wanted to be friends and she tried too and I realized I had to back away because I still loved him.   Why can't I just walk away from it???

ladygrins ladygrins 41-45 1 Response Jul 1, 2008

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I have been in your shoes, I probably still am.<br />
My ex and I broke up 4 yrs ago and I still miss him <br />
and LOVE him and I used to break out in tears up<br />
until last year... Then I made up my mind and sent <br />
him a friendly but meaningful birthday greeting summarising<br />
all the things he's thought me and telling him what his role<br />
was in my life. I never said it, but among the lines it was<br />
clear that I still loved him... He got back to me with a kind, <br />
short email and I beleived it was closure... I realised I'll never<br />
stop loving him, but I already got used to this feeling...<br />
at least after his email I never cried anymore, cuz at least<br />
I knew I am not entirely rejected or despised, we just don't work out.<br />
<br />
I hope something will happen soon that gives you some sort of<br />
relief as well. Maybe you should think what was the thing that <br />
made you fall and can't let go that you must be missing from your <br />
current relationship eventhough it's unnoticed by you just yet<br />
(IMHO, though I really don't wanna sound like a smartbutt)