My Story And Conundrum

I was involved with a young lady for close to three years. Like many failed relationships, this was long distance and entirely online/over the phone with a single week-long visit last fall. We were very much in love, despite our handicapped means of communication and lack of physical closeness. That lack, however, would ultimately lend itself to our undoing.

The reasons she broke things off are twofold: one, she feels that she is missing out on a part of life in which a girl is expected to date, talk about boyfriends, and have fun; this is of course a direct result of my being 2,500 miles away. Two, she feels that I am uncomfortably-older than she is at 18. These are valid reasons. I don't blame her for feeling that way, but I had hoped that she might have held on if only a little while longer, as I am in fact finally in a position to move, having graduated from college and secured an opportunity for living in southern California.

There are a number of factors at play here. I am still very much in love with her. While this is by no means the first loss of a loved one I've experienced, it is easily the worst--that is saying a lot, given that my previous breakup with my last girlfriend left a mark on me for over three years. It was a mess, and I am certain that it will take me at least that long to "get over" this girl. That said, I also believe that I am capable of winning her back given the chance to physically be around her like she deserves.

The complication: she left me and immediately began dating the brother of her best friend, who had a crush on her for some time prior. He is closer to her age, but altogether less “qualified” than I am in my own opinion. Frankly, I think he looks like an old man who has no interest in pursuing secondary education in favor of instead joining the military. Bob Dylan once sang “Get jailed/Jump bail/Join the Army if you fail” and I adhere to that idea, holding out until I’ve failed at making it on my own in the real world. I come from a military family and I do not want to continue the trend.

I am quite certain that this man would readily cheat on her if given the chance to do so without being discovered. This certainty gives way to many schemes in my mind, one of which involves having a pretty female friend flirt with him while I surreptitiously videotape the incident for any attempts on his part to score with a girl while the cat’s away. This is scummy of me, but I am not entirely a good person. I consider myself to possess a good mixture of good looks, sweet personality, and past criminal activity which blends together to make an interesting mate. That is debatable, but it’s how I see myself

Lastly, there is another factor that unfortunately affects me—or rather, there are approximately fifty million such reasons. Her father has a past that while not entirely legal, was very lucrative in the area of properties that have matured in value over the decades. One such property is worth around $160M. Given that her father despises his wife and has no plans to sit on his money, his plan is to immediately divide his money among his three daughters equally upon securing a buyer, which he hopes to do by next summer. Now having said this, the money was never a great attractant for me. My ex is a wonderful, sweet, and strong person by her own merit, but now that I am effectively out of the picture, I am reluctant to give up and move on for the reasons I’ve already mentioned and additionally because holy **** fifty million dollars. Whether this makes me a scumbag is beyond the point. I have good qualities in abundance and I honestly believe that I am good for her; she holds this belief still, based on our recent conversations, but she feels that she has committed herself to her new man. That’s where the probably-illegal plan of mine would come into action.

I am not exactly asking for advice, but I do feel that this should be said if only to strangers on the internet.
Triundi Triundi
26-30, M
18 Responses Sep 14, 2012

I was such a girl like her and one man who was near me wanted a relationship with me and I just felt scared of the resposibilities it could ave in future, because he was 17 years older than me.
Anyway, now I am 25 and would rather have a relationship with someone 10 years older than me, that with my mate, because they are still too unpatient, impulsive, inmature and ask too much from e without thinkng in the consequence and hey can't give the same support. So , maybe in the future, she will realize that you are much better for her and now she needs to feel pain from the reationshio with someone "not apropriate".
Maybe I am not right, but it may take too long for you to get her back and maybe there is another woman that would appreciate you more and make you happy, anyway, hope you'll be happy.

I think you should try to be with someone in your local area. I used to be in long distance relationships and that does not work for me. And I don´t believe that you guys were ever to close. Young women are the last, that you need right now. Good luck and try to stay strong. Hugs FaroesePearl.

She's 19 now. Good enough for me.

If u were in the military u could PCS to where she is.

I actually moved down to the city she lives in just two months after I wrote this. It didn't help since she was still with that one guy.

Have u talked to her?

Yes, but like I said, she was in a relationship. I'm temporarily out of state and I haven't talked to her since they broke up. I'm biding my time to make a good second impression.

Makes sense. Good luck!

1 More Response

I am hoping you are over this girl and moved on. You seem very interesting and intelligent. There r tons of fabulous girls out there for you, you just have to find them. And I am married to a very well to do man now and I promise the money really won't make you that happy. It's fun for a bit then u see how it destroys most people. Good luck tho!

Woah, such a messy story, on multiple levels. :D
Let's play the devil's advocate stance here. Very young people need life experiences, so they can easily dump good relationships for going out and seeing what is out there. This in itself can be a very positive thing - if not to their love life, to their growth as a person.
You can probably get her back. But is it worth the trouble, really? When getting someone back that wanted to get away, we are inherently playing out a god-like, controlling role. At further points we get to wonder if that person really wanted us, or it was just our intelligent scheming that got us what we wanted.
If it was our intelligent scheming, it means we can only trust ourselves, and will keep on operating in underground fashion. We don't trust being loved for whom we really are. This in itself brings heartache that you might think you won't care about in the future, as you seem very set in your goal. But at some point its my guess that you will, big time.
That being said ofc I've done similar things myself. So, just saying...

its so sad to read about breaking heart story i wish u find ur real love soon ,she move on now so just don't worry about her and try to move on too ,i wish the best for u,peace

you wrote this a while ago. Any closer to scoring the 50 mil?

But on a more serious note....the heart wants what the heart wants....that goes for both of you, sounds to me like she had plans with this guy when you were dating, and that was her nudge to end your relationship? I am going to try the long distance thing again with an old boyfriend, but I am reminded over and over, how difficult it is, not to have someone physically....
Are you sure you are not in love with the idea of who she is, seeing as you have only met once, I mean can that one moment make a relationship?

You need to write a movie.

Haha this could make an interesting movie indeed!

sigh... been there myself (read my closure story)
i still miss him, but know he's no good for me. I'm sorry yours didn't work out =( hope you've moved on now!

Not yet. I'm a mess.

You're already thinking dirty, so I'd start playing dirty. Start pulling heart-strings, otherwise she's lost forever.

Any ideas? I think they've broken up, but she and I had a big fight since I wrote this so I'm not sure and haven't been in contact since at any rate.

Well, it depends on what you fought about. She could smell a gold-digger.

Haha, no nothing like that. Her family came into that money after we were already in a relationship so I don't think I'm a gold digger. We fought about some bad stuff and both of us said some pretty terrible things.

If I were you, I would try and make up with her. I'm warning you, it might be too late. But if you want her hand, you have to start quasi-stalking her.

1 More Response

"she feels that she is missing out on a part of life in which a girl is expected to date, talk about boyfriends, and have fun" - That is so bad, I think she is going to feel like terrible about it later...

true ur never going to forget about your truly love:)

Ahh the complications of long distance love.

Never, fun.

The 50 million bucks and your attraction to makes you a wee bit douchebag-like, but it's okay, because you're only human.

Hope it works out. I've been sitting with similar emotions for the last 2 years. *Shrugs* Eh, such is life.

you know what should be done. good luck!<br />
...<br />
but don't you think you're quite judgmental to the "new guy"?

Sure I am. Guys who take their anger issues out on girls are pathetic. I don't think I mentioned that in the story, though.

then the more you should be doing the right thing now (right now) cause if that's the case, then it would not only be winning her back, but saving her as well.

woah. i couldnt believe such a guy can keep loyal to a long distance relationship. that's tough! you should chase your happiness and just don't sit there and do nothing. 3yrs quite long. goodluck buddy!

Wow so many thoughts on this story...
First I'm sorry that you feel she gave up on you just before you became able to give her what she wanted, now she knows you can give her what she wants then it may change her perspective and result in a happy reunion for you :-)
Second, do not under any circumstances do the video tape thing because she will find out and she will hold that against you.
You need to let them break up for their own reasons and not infiltrate it.
Third, the money? It should not even be mentioned on here if it is irrelevant to your feelings for her

Do it. Get your girl by any means necessary. What may seem like 'scumbag and drastic' now will be well worth it if it means that you are side by side 30 years from now and even if you aren't, at least you won't look back with the regret of 'I could have done something more...'.