July 6, 2009 you oft for the weekend with Libby. When you returned and I picked you up at the train station,mi saw it in your eyes immediately. That night you didn't want to make love with me. You didn't want to touch me. You didn't want to look at me. I knew it then, and it began to disintegrate from there... I was so completely in love with you that the pain was completely overwhelming. I felt i would literally die of heartbreak.. The icy ness continued as I became desperate.. I was watching you slip away in front of my eyes. Then I found your letter to him and the grief was so overwhelming that something just snapped... I remember crying on the floor, then showing you the letters on this sight with tears running down my face while you looked at me and lied to my face... My illusion was shattered so quickly that my mind could not grasp the entirety of the truth... It refused to and I allowed myself to believe your obvious lies even in the face of such indifference.. What else could I do... The woman I dreamed was perfect, was my soulmate, the woman that I was comfortable with every second I was with her and made me ecstatically happy just to be near felt nothing for me.. I had to stay in denial to a point to retain my sanity because I had allowed the deepest parts of my heart and soul to be shared for the first time in my life.. And the last. A man in love, is also a fool... I made decision after decision that could do nothing but bring me harm in the long run. But you said we were a team, we would fight the world together. You would sleep under a bridge if you had to to be with me.  so that I could spend one more day, one more moment with you.. I left my home, my belongings, all the photos I had of my family, music gear, run away with you... When in a strange state, and all alone struggling to survive, I was finally abandoned for good as our mutual friend told me you no longer felt anything... Still in denial, my heart would not just give thought she must be lying to me.. The pain never stopped... I thought it would... But no, for years you were all I thought about all day...  There was nothing else to do but think of you while in the place i put myself in to be with you.. I starved myself, dehydrated myself, refused to talk to anyone, and went on a strong regimen of antidepressants.... After getting back to society, I was on a computer within an hour looking for you... What I found was dozens of profiles that spoke of everyone I knew, except me... Sex with him, loved him, this and that...  again I receded into my depression... I went to work, then went home to sleep, maybe looking on the Internet for awhile... Talked to you under a. Jones... Continued to get more frustrated, hurt, feeling used, and completely toyed with... Dan came and asked what was wrong with me. He said i wasn't the same person he knew.. Why would I be, i see Dan this, cole that everywhere on your profile stuff.. Watched you walk off with him twice when my ring was on your finger and disappear for 20 minutes.. Even lie to me to my face about being in the car while at dans like I'm an idiot.  So am i supposed to trust you now? You wont even write.... To this day you will not write me, call me, apologize, or even make an attempt to be my friend when I didn't just give to you, I literally gave all I had to give... it should be you that goes up and beyond to contact me... During the summer of 2010 when I was figuring out I was abandoned and my life was ruined in shambles, I tried to take my own life and was found by a drunk that got me to the hospital.... I hated him for that... That was the night I called and you hung up when I told you who I was....   So am I supposed to be here playing a game with you trying to figure out who you are? Cause I'm quickly beginning to not give a fukk...    By the way, the trip to Cali with Dan and Stacy was before I knew you or Rachel... It was the summer of 2008...  In light of this, I no longer hurt that much and am quickly seeing the light...  I am no  longer angry, and I would just assume drop it and be friends... I know I will always love you because I just don't think it's possible for me to feel that way about another again...but now I would rather be alone as I would rather face both my parents deaths again then go through the pain I did with you.... I truly believe in my heart that although you may care for me, you have never been in love with me... If you had, you would have found it impossible to touch another while feeling that way...  Not to mention, you would have died before betraying me with your parents or another man...I would know. I had to lose it all.. If you find the courage to take a small risk in my behalf, I would appreciate a letter of explanation, apology, and your thoughts and feelings on this matter.. If I can't get that, then there is no point even trying to be friends. Im not even going to go into how this has affected our child, or the lies in the courtroom... Once again, im no longer mad, just help me to understand....   Thank you 
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Nov 29, 2012