I Know It's For the Best, However.....
We met when I was 20 and he was 29. We were good friends almost right away and always very flirtatious with each other. I found myself thinking of him often when not around him. One night he invited me and some friends over to watch a movie at his house. Halfway through the movie I slid my legs into his lap and he clasped my ankle as if we had been sitting on the couch together for years and we both knew something wonderful was happening. It was less than a week later we shared our first kiss and things moved even quickly after that.
Over the next 6 years we shared an intense, loving, and erotic connection. We moved in together after a year of dating. We hardly ever fought, the sex was consistently mind blowing, and we both shared a passion for reading and watching old movies. The only problem was that we were never on the same page. Early on in the relationship he started talking about marriage and children but at 20-21 I was not even considering taking such steps. Later on when I was ready to approach the subject he no longer felt like he wanted either of those things. A few years into the relationship we both knew that we no longer wanted the same things out of life but we kept clinging to each other. Neither of us had found someone with whom they shared the same connection, and I guess we kept waiting for the other to change their mind. Eventually we began doing the whole break-up get-back-together thing.
Last time I saw him was almost exactly a year ago. We were in the midst of the second week of our third attempt to get back together. He promised to meet me at a party where I hardly knew anyone and then he never showed. I spent a humiliating evening waiting and then had to drive an hour home. I didn't cry though and I haven't cried about him in a year.
The thing is I think about him every day. I miss his company. I miss his laugh. I have not contacted him nor heard from him and this is for the best. I know it is for the best. But I still dream about him. I am unhappy without him. I try to date other people but they don't even compare. It's like he is in orbit around me, always hovering in my peripherial vision. Maybe I'm crazy, or obssesive, but it's not like I have single memento of him anywhere in my house. I'll just see something and think "___ would like that." And then my lips remember his kiss and my hands remember his hands and I'm lost again. Missing him.