After 23 Years?

I'll try to keep this short. So I met my first love when I was 14. He was a friend of a friend who brought him to our group. At first I didn't like him because I thought he was a little conceited so I didn't give him a second thought. Still we were sort of friends and we 'dated' different people in our circle. We were very young so I'm using the term dated losely as I wasn't really allowed to have a boyfriend. When I was 16 I had a boyfriend in HS that I liked a lot and up until that point my first love was just a nuisance to me - a bully. When I brought my boyfriend to our circle my first love teased him althought not to his face but afterward. That boyfriend and I broke up and a month later I get a phone call from my first love at home telling me that he had always liked me. I thougth it was some joke because he never showed me interest. Anyway, I humored him and come to find out that he really liked me from when we first met when I was 14. I was 17 now and he was 18. His ex girlfriend was in our circle too but she had moved away so we started a great love affair. I had never been with anyone so intellegent and expressive and I fell madly and deeply in love with him. He was my rock and my protector but most of all he was my love. Due to school and my strict parents, I was only allowed to see him once a week when I hung out with the other people in the group and he had the idea that we should both write in a journal during the week and when we see each other on the weekends, we should exchange our journals so we both know how we were doing during the week. People were amazed at the intensity of our love for each other and the level of the love we had. I graduated HS and started college and he was already in college. We were in the same town but at differente colleges and we both got jobs as well. We were together for a year and a half when we stareted to change a little bit because we started to see what real life was outside of our little bubble. I wanted to eat, sleep and breath him but he thought that I wanted to experience life outside of him. We slowly drifted apart and then I started to see someone else almost immediatly after. I didnt' give myself time to process why we broke up but was angry with him for no longer being my rock. I left town and so did he on separate missions but we found this out through our mutual friends...we still hadn't spoken. About three years later when I was back living in town and no longer with the other guy, I saw him when I was at his friends house - the one that introduced him to us. I was friends with his sister. We both looked at each other an we started our romance again. I never stopped loving him. He still lived out of town but we decided to give our relationship another try. The only problem was, I had a boyfried and he lived out of town. I saw him as often as I could and he would take the train to town every weekend to be with me yet I didnt break up with my boyfriend. after months of doing this and my love asking me to leave my boyfriend, he got angry and said he wasn't doing this anymore. I needed to chose and I obviously wanted my cake and to eat it too. We broke up again. We moved to other states, other countries yet still knew the same people. I didn't dare ask about him because I didnt' want it to get back to him that I was curious. I let 5 years go by. By that time I was with my boyfriend for 2 years and had a baby but I didn't live with my boyfriend yet. That sister that I was friends with gave him my number one day when he was back in town and we started our conversations again. I told him I had a son and I had a boyfriend and he was ok with it. He came to visit me before he left town again but it was very platonic. We started emailing each other and one day my boyfriend found an email and told me to never be in contact with him again. My boyfriend knew our history and didn't like that I didn't tell him that we were in comunication again. I told my love that I couldn't talk to him again and stopped communication. I moved in with my boyfriend and a year later was still thinking about my love and felt guilty for the way I ended it so I looked on the internet and found a phone number for him. His name is very unique so I knew it was him. This was in 2001 just before 9/11. I left him a message on a Friday and he called me that Saturday. I was with my boyfriend but somehow managed to talk to my love without letting my boyfriend know. For the next 5 years we talked and saw each other and confessed our love for each other. Instead of leaving my boyfriend/my son's father like my love wanted me to, I married him. My love was angry and bitter but we still spoke and I still loved him while I loved my husband. In 2006 my love ended our contact stating that he was getting married and the reason for us not working was me not having enough faith in our love. I just wanted to be safe - he was right. My husband did a lot of wrong in our relationship including cheating yet I didn't leave. I had a second child in 2008 and was haunted by my first love. I thought of him and dreamt of him regularly. I knew he was married and I knew where he lived and I found him again on the internet and sent him a registered letter. He responded and we spoke and I let him know the things I was sorry for and he apologized for not being more patient with me. We don't talk as often and I felt better after getting my thoughts out of my head but now I find myself still thinking about him and dreaming about him and loving him. My husband is a different and better man today and I do love him but not the same that I used to and not the way I love my first love. While I have access to this man, I will not interrupt his life and I am very grateful that we are no longer strangers, but I yearn for him and my heart aches for him. A lot of people do not beleive in soulmates but I feel that I will love this man for the rest of my life. I feel like I've known him in another life and I will know him in the next. I've prayed for my feelings to stop and to erase my memory of him. I don't know what to do.