Comfortable In Love

This is it. I have been abused when I was a child. At a very young age of 5, since then I push down all my emotions when I get hurt and run away. I have done this for so long. It does it automatically. I am trying to control it now.

I met him in grade 10 I was 15 years old. I am now 25.. Still in love with him.

I have dated him off and on for 7 years. Although I kept running away. Every time I got hurt. Honestly he kept taking me back with open arms and I kept going back to him.

He is truly the only one that can make me laugh and one of the the only one's that can make me cry. We joke about everything and no one understands our jokes except each other.

When we were together we always could act our self.. from signing to anything.

I could never understand after all the times I broke up with him dated someone else he would simply take me back. Never even dated or been with anyone else.
I could never understand it. He always told me you are the one that I will always love and care for..

Though I hurt him and tared his heart out he did the same to me in ways. Abused me. Though it didnt always happen. We both learned from our mistakes. But we always managed to find each other again.

About 3 years ago I broke up with him then.. I made a big mistake I dated someone and he got me pregnant!! I was pregnant with someone that never loved me!!

I was hoping that my love of my life will never know! again.. like anything else I just pushed down all the hurt and acted like nothing happened. I wasn't even shocked. I just went through labor raised him for 2 years.. Thinking of the love of my life still of course.. How things could be different if he was the father. I just really didn't want him to know... He was so pure... I know things would never be the same I couldnt imagine my best friend at the time accepting me back in his life with such betrayal. How could it happen.. I just wanted to run.
So I did.

Just recently someone that was close to him I ask them the question I always thought of.. What did he say when he found out I was pregnant...
He said... The love of my life is pregnant with someone that doesnt love her!!!

As soon as I found this out I kept swearing over and over saying dammit!! No!! I had no idea that he felt this way! This whole 3 years he cared for me!

The whole week I was devastated its like all my emotions and feelings were triggered and released all at once. I went around crying through the day and night. I felt his pain! I found a way to contact him and said What did you think when you found out I was pregnant??

He told me he will answer it tomorrow. He told me everything.. How he wanted to help me and be there for me.. But although he was really hurt.

I started talking to him again.. But I still feel really hurt for some reason.
He loves my son and loves the person I have become but he feels bad for the way he has hurt me in the past and I feel bad for the way I have hurt him.

After talking for only a week we joke around like the same before. We talk like always have, never lost that spark.

Though we have only been talking for about 2 weeks. He is still scared and so am I. I am sick of running away from everything. Sick of the hurt. I just want my soul mate.. I think its him.

Do you believe in a soul mate?

Our times of the past are so clear. And the times we spend now I cherish.
Though are time we started talking again are young. He gets scared sometimes and say's I am going to let you go..and hangs up the phone.. It sounds so sad when he does this. I don't know what to do. I want to help him and tell him how much I care but I am scared I might just push him away more.. So I let him go.. Then it starts again I cry and cry and cry.. I just want him to call me up! I am soo scared he will never call me again! I just NEED to talk to him.. I feel for the first time in my life I need him to breath to live and to keep going.. I have never felt like this before. 

I just can't get over after all the years I would break up with him he would always except me back no matter how much hurt I put him through.. He tells me that No one makes him laugh except me. I just want him here. So we can make each other laugh.. Now there is a child in the picture. One that is not his.. and he still is in love with me. I know it.

Twinktrin Twinktrin
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 9, 2012

I ran too. I think that's what happens when you are raised in an abusive household, and I haven't figured out how to handle conflict yet either.

You both need to either decide yoy are for eachother once & for all or not. Its seems you deal w/ conflict by running from it. In relations conflict is bound to happen. Professional counseling to give you both healthy ways of coping w/ conflict will give you a chance to survive. Without that itll be a broken record of repeating the same old song over and over again. I know because i have been there.