Prohibited Love!

I am a Muslim girl from The Middle East, never ever believed in Love!

Screaming from inside, calling for freedom.

Strict father and difficult culture. No support at all from anyone.

Not surprisingly, I can be in my best away.

Trying to be positive among all negatives. Trying to rise high even though my legs are tied!

However, I grow up strong and wanting to fight through. Believing that one day everything will turn up the way I like, or even better than I expect.

I also believe that God " ALLAH " will never forget me or my pain.

Through it all, one of my dreams came true! After a long fight, I went overseas to complete my studies. I was so excited and happy. Even with all tears around me saying their goodbyes, I knew this is it! My happiness is close!

I used to tell my dad who were strongly against this that I might find my destiny away! His biggest dream is to see me a bride one day. I guess it is every fathers dream! Sadly, I can't do anything about it! It is already written! Something no one can control or expect.

I grow up clean! I mean, never ever upset anyone around me. Trying to make everyone happy and proud. And I was thinking, do i deserve to be happy as well?

Now, I guess I am living an impossible dream. Trying to prove that I can do whatever I want and I can success. I can take a very heavy responsibility on my shoulders and curry it with no problems. And I did.

In the other side of me, some stranger crossed my road. He gave me the help I need in a foreign country and in return I pulled him from his deepest darkness point of his life. In 10 days only, we had our first fight. He was saying that he wanted to marry me and I was trying to show him nicely how impossible it is. As a reaction, he point into my age saying that no one would ever merry me! I just turned 26 at that time! In my culture though, they have the same thoughts! How stupid!! And how unfair that I grew up with this idea too! from my dad since I was 18!!!

I forgave that stranger his mistake as he meant nothing to me. Or he might meant something!

Love is exciting and beautiful when it begins. However, I didn't even notice that was love! I used to tell my self that people usually imagine love in their heads while its not even exist! I was fooling myself I suppose. Deep inside I know it is there as long there is love between you and your mother for example.

Day after day, I can feel a bit strange! Everything is enjoyable for me! Colors, skys, tree leaves, even the most silly things are beautiful! Is that because I am excited to be in a new world or me fulling deeply in love!
I'm not a teenager anymore, am I? why would I feel those feelings now? I can see my self extremely happy just to talk to him on the phone! Feeling empty without hearing his voice! Miss him all the time! I haven't even see him yet!

I can feel that he is happy to know me. Excited as me. The only difference between us that he is a dreamer and I am realistic. Confusion ... He always ask me if I believe in God and his power. I do believe in that but....
I ask my self, do I deserve this or not! Is this my destiny? Am I allow to full in love or is it prohibited in Islam? This is humanity, and in every religion, there is a bond between humanity and God warship. Love is not "Harram". It is there in Holy Quraan! but why most people make it difficult. I have to be reasonable though, love can turn up ugly if there is no future. But how would I know the future for this love? Confused again:(

Different culture, different background, different environment...

Even knowing that he is Muslim doesn't make it less severe! We are still from different groups.. another stupid thing resulting from muslims themselves! To make this clearer, he is Sounni and I am Shiaa! He is Omar and I am Fatima! How stupid!! Even our names couldn't be match from the old history! Is that a sign! It is even more complicated than that! His family are not Muslims... AT ALL!

Anyway, I have open this door for my self promising my self that I can handle it all alone and in the name of love I can even sacrifice my life for him as he will do the same for me..

Love is beautiful and pure. It is all about caring and respect.. Understanding and trust..

Seeing him for the first time was the most beautiful and horrible feelings at all!! Yes, it is mixed feelings. OMG !! How tall he is!!! that what was in my mind the first time i saw him. And when i said tall, I meant it in a bad way because I felt so small and short next to him >,< .. I thought I am a tall person,,well, comparing to my family and society.
He looked sick though, red eyes, pale skin.. I knew there was something wrong with him.

He stood there for me and encourages me to face my fears and be strong. the only problem was his jealousy! as he always thinks that people stare at me or want to distract me from him, while the only person i can see is him.. I guess am not exaggerating if i said that .. I CAN'T SEE ANYONE BUT HIM!
I cant describe the first year with him.. Even thought that we cant touch each other, we could feel a strong heat and chemistry between us. When we walk together, people think that we are a couple. I was wondering if he suits me :p.Honestly, I believed in him. I believed that he can turn the impossible into possible.. I could even believe that he can go back in time and fix things that can go wrong. I felt safe and happy and they were amazing feelings.

I don't know what went wrong in the second year! I guess he heard an advise from his friends to leave me after realizing how hard it is going to marry me! I am an honest person, I was crystal clear with him about my family and the future! why he wants to be away from me now! He also discovered a chronic disease that he have to take bills the rest of his life which has affected him emotionally and physically. I stayed with him and even love him more.
after 6 months of being depressed, he realized how impossible to be apart as I am the only one who cares about him the most.
The end of this year was dramatic! After having a fight between me and my sister and brother about him:( which has changed the way he looks at me.. I mean, he doesn't ever want to take me away from my family or fight with them for him.. he used to say that he might not live for long so I will be left alone then!

The third year, I shift to another state with his help.. He promised that he will shift too in 3 months maximum. Now I have been here for almost two years loving him from a distance:( Its not his first promise he breaks.

Being away from him in the same country is killing me inside. I just have few years left before i finish my studies and I couldn't even enjoy my time with him. He is always stressed and worried. He always have problems with his work or with his family and he always put me in hold. He is never free for me. We always fight for that.. I need his actions! I nee him to show how much he cares about me as I always cares about him. I can be there for him whenever he needs me.. but he is never there for me!! Lots of excuses .. False promises.. He even missed my 30th birthday which is the most sensitive birthday for anyone! He never remember Valentines' day, never giving me something! I always fight for him!! I even offer him money to buy me stuff but for some reason, it is hard for him to understand that I need him to be around! I am always on hold waiting for him... crying every night from this pain.. I love him so much.. and I care about him.. but he cant just neglect me!

It is not easy for me to forget every fight and move on. For some reason, he just want me not to be upset! how could I if you keep doing the same mistake over and over again! I am a human who love and care! I have feelings and needs! He is never there for me to even talk like we used to do! Is it his problems, or his disease! I keep giving him excuses until I run out of them! I can't just stay calm and say nothing or act happy without him! He can't even travel to see me of fix our situation, while I went for him several times:(( I guess the problem is that I am the last thing in his priorities which I can't accept!

I know I am sometimes weak towards love and being away from him and I know I sent him mixed signals from my confusion, but I can't fix this by my own.
Now I am in the process of leaving him and letting him go.. No once can live a love from one side! He actually loved me first and ask for my love!

I have changed my number.. the only thing that connect us..

It is simple, if you want something, you can make it happen. No matter how hard it is .. The circumstances will control us for a period of time but not our whole life!
He says that he loves me and I can't leave him alone.. but what can i do with only words!

I guess he is not doing anything just to make it easier for us to be apart as it is impossible to be together with all these walls between us.

How sad that is a simple thing that Islam has encourages us to do is the only thing we can't do.. and it is all because of the lack of support from our Muslim people:(..

Without blaming any one, I don't know if the real problem is being together in a Halal way; ie being married, or accepting each other behavior. I said to him that he have to change or at least love me as he used to the first year we met.. It is really funny when he blames his disease that he cant control while he loved me the most the first year away before he discover his sickness.. I mean, it was already there.. probably at a dangerous level, however, he showed much love and care... Amazing, how our psychology can control us and the way we behave! 
fatom fatom
26-30, F
7 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Islam actually is one. As time goes by like what also happen to other religions , born sects in Islam. The solution is back to the source learn again about different things' basics between u both. What happen actually is like this, people there r people that interpret verses of Qur'an as their wish.. People who like the interpretation make it popular n create a new sect not crate a new religion because to make a new one its need something that had been admitted as a not regular thing n special. Those people will be so stubborn to defend what they like but because each verses of Al-Quran cant be change, if u n ur lover want to learn again from Arabic language to basics of interpretations which be problem between u both, the right interpretations must ll be found in the end.
Truth never be so difficult to find its just us who r lazy to search or dont really want to see it because it may not supports all things we want.
All differences will be gone when what we all really want to find is the real truth, then sit together n do healthy discussion but I dont know when that day will come

Although I understand your deep ties to your religeon and your family, you must notice something. Your happiness with your independance. At some point you have to realize you are an adult now. Your family does not rule you. There is no where in the Koran that says you have to marry who you parents want you to, or that you have to do everything they say. Yes you must obey them, but they cannot force you to do anything. Yes you have to respect your elders, but you must also respect your heart and your own self. You said yourself that your parents were putting unreasonable pressures and stress on you.

There are many different interpretations of the Quran. That is why there are so many different types of muslims. Nothing is impossible. You will not offend Allah if you follow your heart. There is nothing in the Quran about arranged marriages, this was a custom thousands of years ago, that has been passed down from generation to generation. It is not a true law. Actually Allah asks you to only be in a marriage if you are true in your heart. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up! If you are being forced to marry another that you do not love you would disobey your heart and your God! As long as you follow your religeon and obey your God then you can love whom you want. There are things in the bible that are antiquated, which means they are so old that they do not fit in this new society. I assume since the Quran was written (609 CE!) sooo long ago, there are things that are in there that can not apply to today's society. There is a passage in the Old Testament that talks about how to treat slaves that have sinned. Now should we obey the bible and still have slaves, and make sure to beat them properly? Ofcourse not. So you must put this in perspective. However, you must take a stand and stop feelling guilty for being happy. Being happy isn't a young person's emotion. It is the thing that fulfills your soul and spirit. You must try to be strong and stand up for yourself. Nothing is impossible.

I am Muslim too and strongly agree sister, lifes full of surprises and sometimes the once that mean the world to you in the end turn out to be the snakes that bite you.keep your head up and remember for every dark night there's abrighter day:)

Watch out for those stones, babe!

Love has no boundaries and if it makes you happy let it be. Do things right in front of Allah not infront of you or his people. Allah has not divided Islam ...people did. Allah bless you and your future husband inshallah!

:) ..
Thank you jyh1497

That was on my mind too.. I am not doing anything wrong against my religion or beliefs.. The most difficult thing though is getting my family - especially dad - approval :( .. I always feel guilty the he finally trust me and by loving someone he doesn't accept I might break this trust!

He might or he might not...but your Dad will not be here with you forever...he will have to understand one day...specially if he sees his doughter happy married and succesful what bad can he say.... our parents might not understand but their mission is done once we are able to sustain ourselves now its your turn to make a family and you seek what is best for you not what pleases other...May Allah fight your battles and solve your troubles inshallah!

I strongly agree..

I wish if this thing was less complicated.. Unfortunately, my dad has the power of stopping me from doing the things that I see are my rights no matter how old I am under the ''umbrella of Islam'' or " Shariaa law "! and thats how Muslims use Islam in a wrong way!

I know what You mean. i have also done it but i have never regret it.

I hope u meet someone that will will reply to your feeling in an equal manner but one thing that i have notice in my life is that being realistic is not always the best way to see things so keep trying your best to overcome things and wish you luck:)

Thank you...

I guess I tried to be a dreamer when I opened my heart to something I deeply know that it is impossible..