Longing

He lives thousands of miles away.  We broke up while I was in college.  He dumped me for this girl who I felt intimidated by. She had long dark hair and was intentionally artsy and supposedly talented.  She wanted to be a singer and an actress.  For a few years I couldn't even bear to hear her name. 

Anyway, they moved away together at a very young age (20) and it was completely devastating to me.  I couldn't eat, all I did was sleep.  I couldn't go to class anymore.

We met when we were very young, around 12, and I still remember us making eye contact and feeling . . . .something.  Like a little *zing* in my heart.  We ended up together in High School, went to the prom, went to college, etc.  And that was it.  Only it wasn't.

He never completely committed to this girl - I guess the grass is always greener as they say.  He would write me long letters from their new apartment across the country.  He had to hide the fact that he was writing to me.  We saw each other occassionally as well, when he moved back here (with her) for a couple of years.  This also involved sexual encounters, of course. 

I could think of no one but him.  I was obsessed.  I had many other boyfriends, but I just didn't give a damn.  I focused on wanting him back.  Until one day he came to my apartment and I told him to leave.  I actually didn't even have to say it.  He looked into my eyes and knew that what we were doing wasn't right.  He left.  He moved to California.  I didn't hear from him for 5 years.  I got engaged.

And then...I was at my old apartment having dinner with my BFF.  She still lived there and had kept the same number.  She handed me the phone thinking it was my brother.  Instead, it was him.

I was speechless (and I lived with my fiance), but we made a date for later that week while he was in town.  When we met it was incredible - like no time had passed.  We met at maybe 7 and talked until 4 a.m.  He asked me to come see him in California.  I agreed, and two months later, I went.  I spent a week with him and it was interesting.  We did a lot of fun things, and we reconnected, but maybe more on a friend level, even though we did have sex.

I returned to California in another couple months and this time there was definitely some romance.  I was thinking that this was it.  When I returned home I ended up seeing someone seriously and went that way instead.  We have never really discussed it, but he seemed quite hurt by this.

Today we are just friends, I am single, and he is engaged.  I've done some soul-searching and I do love him.  I just think it can never succeed.  I still live here and he is across the country.

I hope there can be another chapter in our romance and that I'm not just a long-distance booty call.  Perhaps that's all I ever was to him.  I want and need more.  I just can't find the words.

KariDoll KariDoll
31-35, F
Mar 12, 2009