Company

Seldom do I speak of his name to family or friends in fear of reprisal and shame. When questioned about the duration of our relationship, I reply with animated disdain and chagrin "five wholeee moonths".

I feel like a malignant tumour, unwanted and feared.. I think of him in every breath, at dawn, at noon and at dusk.

When I see lovers on the street affectionately kiss and hold hands, I stare and feel lachrymose... I feel full of envy and nostalgic of the times he held me near. But I also feel intensely pathetic and try to solace myself through self-help mantras "he wasn't good enough for you", "he doesn't deserve you", "you can have anyone you want"... I find it difficult to recall the rest.

I still read over his emails, and have his "Giordano" white rubber bracelet --which has long lost his scent. I still remember his smile, his dark brown eyes and the tenderness of his hands. I still remember how he; threatened me, manipulated me, humiliated me and made me hate myself.

I feel so alone and unwanted, like a carcass in the desert that even the scavangers reject. All I have are shreads of painful memories to keep me company that I can't betray, like he betrayed me.

umathena umathena
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 12, 2007

You sound like a sweet little darling who has been hurt. <br />
"She tries hard to be strong, <br />
But inside...<br />
She knows she needs Love <br />
Only Love" :)

truth be known? sure you want to hear it? he taught you a GREAT lesson, one we all have to learn. he taught you what it feels like to love and what it feels like to not feel that love in return. through your life and dating there will be varying degrees of love that is reciprocated - each of them more intense until finally the ONE appears. the best of it all is that you've already passed the really difficult hump (are passing) ... and you don't have to do it again unless you choose to. you now have a starting line by which to compare love and 'unlove' ... <br />
<br />
give it another year and you'll only think of him when bad things happen - that's how sour the memory of him will be in your mind.<br />
<br />
and YES, by all means ... betray those memories! move on! not that you're ready to 'date' or any thing like that but occupy yourself, submerge yourself etc. with healthy activity. you may also want to get rid of the bracelet or put it in a box in your closet and forget about it. 10 years from now you'll find that bracelet and recall such an important lesson rather than being filled with tears again ... and you just might be thankful for his philandering, lying ways... <br />
<br />
hang in there, lady, and take care of YOU!