I'll Be There For You

Of course I still think of him...Hell, I'm still married to him!  But, it has been 7 years since we slept in the same bed, used the same shower, washed dishes together, watched t.v. together, laughed together, ate dinner together, or done much of anything together.  It's difficult to remain close or to stay on the same wavelength with someone if you are not around them alot. 

But I do still think of him and of all the good times we had.  I try to think of those the most and not dwell on only the bad times we've had.  And like now, that his very close and wonderful relative has passed away, I hurt right along with him and it sickens me to think of all the time that we've wasted.  Life is short and one day you're here and the next, you might be gone without a trace. 

At least I have alot of good and funny memories of he and I.  Like the time he bought me a hamburger as we sat inside a restaurant together for the very first time.  Or the time that we were at my house while my mom was on vacation....we were 14 years old and love was thick in the air.  We watched the movie "The Goonies" and that still is one of my favorites. Everything clicked, conflict was not among us.  These were happy times, young times, and the times that I wish we still had.  The mood was right, the people were right, the setting was right, and he and I were definetly alright. 

 He always went to school...I always ditched.  He had to be home by 10pm...I didn't have to be home at all.  He was the only guy in the 9th grade who had a mustache...and boy, did he wear it well!  He wore levis, vans, and a black leather jacket...I had freckles, braces, and bad hair.  I loved cats...He didn't.  I lived with my mom...He lived with his dad.  His dads' house was raided on the night of our second date...My moms' house remained the always safe haven for me.  He was part Mexican...I was a full blown Scottsman!  He liked Heavy Metal...I liked Simon and Garfunkel.  He graduated high school...I did too, but with honors.  He went to college out of state...I quit college and went with him. He moved home and I moved home.  We did not move back in together.  He went to work...I went to rehab.  I dated other people...he dated a few.  I had two kids with someone else...he didn't have any.  I was just a friend to him...he was just a friend to me.  He went to work...I stayed home.  What was once inside of his heart, changed...and so did mine.    

We were boyfriend girlfriend off and on for many years and finally got married in Vegas. This was even after the feelings had changed from good to bad.  There were no sparks at this time at all.  They were gone, but we still got married.  It just seemed like the right thing to do, but it wasn't.  We just didn't know that then.   I was bored as Hell and couldn't wait to get home. I'm sorry to say that the spark died out over the years.  I don't know why.  Maybe too many things happened that made me bitter, or made him bitter.  Me having kids with someone else maybe....that person being one of his arch enemies.  Maybe he too, gave up on love and all the good things that accompany it.  Maybe he forgot what it was like to be happy, maybe I was  just not the source of his happiness anymore or he of mine.  Maybe I gave up long ago and decided it was time to go numb.  Maybe he noticed and backed off.  After losing each other, our childhood being long gone, losing our home, our valuables, our life together, perhaps that was the start of the end.  Too much resentment built up and too much pain and hopelessness.  Hopes and dreams smashed to the ground.  Love didn't live here anymore.

It did become depressing and it still is very often thinking of me and him.  Everything in my life has to do with him.  He helped shape my everything.  He still thinks I'm great even when I'm not.  He still thinks I look pretty even when I know I don't.  He doesn't mind that I'm a ***** so often and that I have a fiery temper.  He doesnt' mind that my bewitching hour is 10 pm...he used to just go to bed at that time.  He loves me for me and that is true love.  True love that doesn't live with me anymore.  What good is it from far away?  It doesn't exist anymore. 

Or does it?  Maybe it does. Maybe our love lives and breathes strongly and steadily ready to pick up where we left off.   Our son.  Our daughter.  Oh, so much good did come from this.  I see me and him all the time through them.  They are little clones of us.  I'm waiting for our son to grow a mustache, just like his dad once wore.  Love once lived, then it died, then it rose once again.  Yeah, I still think of him sometimes.
umbrellatree umbrellatree
41-45, F
3 Responses Oct 24, 2011

I must add...."Blah Blah Blah". How depressing! How long and drawn out this story is!! Of course I still think of him....still married to him. lol I think I'll delete this one in a day or so. Totally depressing!

This is very similar to my situation. I invite you to ask me about it sometime

Wow, what a story. What devotion to someone you don't share a bed with any more.<br />
I still have love, its unused, unwrapped and unwanted at the moment. Will someone want to unwrap it. well they better act fast because the longer its unwrapped the harder it is to unwrap it but if that is my fate to end up in a coffin unused then so it shall. <br />
I would marry someone tomorrow just for the convenience of not being alone even if sex is not on the list. Its been that long since I had sex I have truly forgotten what its like, just a twisted sort of feeling in my guts of stress build up from no release and I have lived with that for years so now that is normal living for me.<br />
It breaks my heart to say that but I have to be realistic to the harshness of life, not to the fairy tales.