I Really Don't Get It
but i think about him all the time, when he's not here the place feels empty and i can't wait for him to come back. and i want to have sex with him SO badly, its been about 10 months since i've had sex. its even harder to not give in to my urges, he's staying with me. until july 3rd. and his pregnant fiance is staying here too. the longer they stay the harder it gets. it really sucks. she is always around. she even follows him to the bathroom. and today she found out her due date - january 23. its so totally ALWAYS in my ******* face and it literally makes me feel sick to my stomache to think about it. and he doesn't even seem to like her too much. he talks to me more than her, he complains to me about her and usually he does it in front of her and he doesn't treat her very nicely either. and i don't know how to feel about that. on the one hand, if she were anyone else's gf, i'd probably feel bad and stick up for her and try to help her. i am trying to help her, but i really can't stand her at all. i have zero respect for her. she hasn't worked since january, she cries over every little thing, and she hasn't even said thank you to me, for taking her in when she had no where else to go, for telling her how to get health ins and wic and apply for housing, for writing her resume and references and cover letter for her, for sharing the little amount of food i have with her, for cooking that food every damn day. the one day he tried to get her to cook dinner, we were only having hotdogs and corn on the cob, she cried. she has a high risk pregnancy, can't get stressed, blah blah, so she can just sit on her *** & look miserable. please. I had a high risk pregnancy. i was at the dr twice a week for the last 3 months, at the hospital for weekly fetal monitering, and was induced 4 weeks early. and they ended up doing an emergency c-section. last night she cried because the dog wasn't listening to her. the day before she cried because i yelled at her. she ruined my afternoon at the park with my daughter, she didn't want to be there so she said she was dizzy and light headed and sick to her stomach because she hadn't eaten yet. it was 1:30pm. so i yelled at her. i said that the baby may not be physically here yet, but she's still responsible for taking care of it & she shouldn't have to be told when to eat, and next time i want to go somewhere she's either paying or staying home. and she cried. i paid $10 to get into the park, & we left after an hour. i was furious. its not like i have all kinds of money to waste. and why would i want someone who treats his current gf like crap? who even HAS a gf? because he didn't treat me that way when we were together. well, towards the end he tried to, and thats when i broke up with him. and then for the past 1yr & a 1/2 he's done whatever he could to make me miserable. and for some reason i called him a month ago and invited him back into my life. EVERYONE is furious with me for doing this. noone understands, and i don't try to explain it. i'm not sure i understand, myself. but i know i like him being here, i like coming home to him, i like cooking dinner for him, occasionally breakfast, i like playing rummy with him til 2:am like we used to. i like watching movies with him, i even like the little spats we get into. i like looking up and seeing him looking at me. i like the comfortable-ness that we have between us because of all that we've gone through. i like that he gets jealous when i talk about other guys. the other night i was annoyed with him for something, i don't remember why, so i showered, put on a dress, shoes, make-up, jewelry, & did my hair, and told him i was going over 'a friends' house. he saw me in the dress before i put the make-up & jewelry. he said no offense but can i tell you something? and i said no & went back into the bathroom to finish getting ready. when i was all done i came out and said what was it you were going to say? and he just stared at me and said you look really pretty. i said no you were going to insult me, because you said no offense first, and he said it doesn't matter, you look really pretty. DAMN RIGHT. i still got it. i don't use it very often, but i still got it. maybe i should put in the effort more often, because i like the way he looked at me. but she's right there in my face and i was trying SO hard to not be that girl who ***** around with another girls bf. i really wish they could leave sooner, this whole situation is starting to bring me seriously down. and i've been binging again. NOT COOL. oh & we kissed last week and i went down on him in the bathroom and she woke up & almost caught us. that made it even more complicated, i think. and i know he wants me too, he keeps leading the conversation towards sex, and the comments he says makes me want to mention things we did in the past, but i don't do it, because she's right there, and those memories are special to me. and i am pretty sure she doesn't want to hear about what her fiance did with his ex. but when we get a few seconds alone i do throw in a comment here or there. last night she was crying about the dog and he was telling her to show the dog she's dominant she said he's the one who's supposed to be dominant and he said everyone already knows he's dominant, & when we took out the trash & the laundry, i said he wasn't dominant over me when i had him handcuffed to my bed. and he smiled & chuckled a little & said oh yes i was you just couldn't tell. dork. i really need them to leave, the sooner the better.