If I Dared To Spend Some Time Talking About Myself....this Is What I'd Say.

Theres a part of me that has no interest in dogs. Its smal buts its there. I'm so glad a friend asked me to come to this sight because I've wanted to do something like this for a while - but I'm so wrapped up in dogs there isn't a place for me that I can separate the doglady from ME.
I work with dogs for a living, and I work dogs for a hobby. dogs dogs dogs. I'm surrounded by them 24 hrs a day.
I've tried writing in a notebook - but - I feel so cut off from humans some times - putting it out there, and maybe some non dog human type will read it - and it will make my life seem more real.
Cause sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it feels like I'm watching someone elses life. "THIS CAN'T BE MINE" - I'm not even supposed to be alive right now.

I'm alcoholic, and a drug addict. same thing really.
but a drug addict can be just that - and not an alcoholic. But an alcoholic will always be both. Sometimes i think about that.
I see drunk people on reality shows and I KNOW how they feel. That TERROR. I feel heartbroken for them. I know I'm just hours away at any given moment from being them again. Its a fine line I'll walk for the rest of my life. "God, keep me safe."

I was severly sexually abused as a child. I have all sorts of PTSD and anxiety surrounding that. PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. that means "post trauma" after the trauma happened - STRESS - endorphins adrenaline and other physical biochemical reactions in overdrive - disorder - happens when its not supposed to -
explains some things doesn't it? Didn't really know what it was until I recently had a "breakdown" and needed to be put on meds to "CALM THE **** DOWN!!!!"" Alcohol used to do that for me. 7 years into sobriety I had a trigger I couldn't handle on my own - nope, didn't do very well at all. Better now though. Knowing what it is - seeing that it has happened all my life - just - now I KNOW.

Those two paragraphs up there are always kind of intertwined isn't it?

Music is my religion. Careful now - I said RELIGION - that man made thing people do to worship their gods. MY God has been proclaimed to be the one true God - I beleive that too. So we'll run with that yes?
It was proposed to me the other day that God did mean "physical" when he said he created us in his IMAGE. Maybe he meant we were created in his SPIRITUAL image. Thats been life changing. His Spiritual image, he created us EMOTIONALLY like him, not physically.
I think about stuff like that too.

But Music....is the first thing I think about when I get up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I've been sitting here with my fingers on the keys trying to find something wise and whimsical to say about how I feel about music. Theres no words and then there too many. i don't know what to say......Its life..
I play guitar. Until recently I couldn't get anywhere. I knew a couple dozen chords, I knew progressions, I could change them and I was pretty fast - but I just couldn't play any songs. Something was missing. And then this summer a door opened. Couldn't tell you exactly what. I understood rythym and timing better. all of a sudden like a clooud lifted. Just like when I started driving. Just like that - OK I can do this now. I can PLAY now. getting better and stronger, and I can sing to the songs too. Sometimes i could just call in sick and just play that thing all day. But I don't.

I beleive in alien life. I beleive ther ARE other life forms out there. Do I think they are living among us secretly? No. Do I think governments of the world have more information than they are letting the public know? of course. Do I beleive in alien abduction? Don't be ridiculous. Do I beleive aliens have visited our planet? At some point, yes they probably have. Thats about all I've got to say about that.ooooo! no...accept the guy in South America. this statue - sitting in a seat depicted pushing butoons, working levers and pedals. The statue is from like 2,000 BCE. ???

I do beleive in time travel. more than alien life. i think it is close to becomin g a possibility. I put more creedence in time travel than aliens.

I hate that we're just so ****** BAD to each other all the time! It makes me want to cry - No big feat nowadays. --but aw jeez why? i just want to take pepole sometimes and SHAKE EM. Don't you realize how special this is? How this life is such a GIFT. What a wonderful planet it is? The beauty? The human mind? Is like no other creature on earth - and people just ..let it go by them!

My husband is a terrible lover. just about the worst I've ever had. Close second to a man with a one inch penis. No kiddin, his intentions were good - but sometimes ...an inch aint enough. Anyway. he always WAS poor in the sack. Hes so self concious he really has a hard time crawling out of his shell long enough to do something for me. The two reasons thats OK is because hes the best friend I've ever had. and 2. he really really loves me. I've pretty much given up on penetration. And I really don't feel comfortable with him trying to have toys involved. Hes perfectly happy never being unclothed, and about once a year we can do something, sometimes twice in the same month - but eh? You know -

I have much more fun by myself. Much more. I can spend hours. I worry sometime the amount of time I spend ************. No no, not the quantity so much but the quality? if that makes sense? Set aside whole afternoons and evenings when the husband travels. like candles for myslef and everything. Nut job. thats getting lonely though. I like sex alot. I've had a pretty good time before I got married those three times. Well my 1st husband - I regret to say I cheated on a few times. I married him when I was 16. go figure. 2nd and this one I was faithful. The 2nd treated me the worst but was the best sex. rough sometimes. sometimes slow. No toys so much, not a ton of foreplay, just holy cow he could ****. Probably why i let him treat me me so badly. This marriage, treats me the best of all relationships I've ever had - but the worst sex ever. God takes his time with me I guess.

I have a tattoo. It took me till I was 37 to decide what I wanted. I love it. Its a skeleton of a dog jumping up to catch a broken arrow. The dog is a given - but its the arrow thats the reason for the tattoo. Sanchos broken arrow in Don Quioxte. Don Quioxte and Sancho were travelling one day. They stopped to rest and Sancho wanted to do something special for Don - who had shown Sancho great compassion and helped him much earlier in the story. Sancho looked and looked all around their camp for some special rock or ANYTHING he could gift Don Quioxte. He looked and found an arrow. it was broken so all night he worked while Don Quioxte slept to fix the arrow. In the morning Don Quioxte woke to find Sancho crying with the broken arrow in his lap.
"My friend? Why the tears?"
Sancho Replied" I worked all night to fix this arrow for you, so I could give it to you and show you how much I appreciate you! I was wrapping it and it broke again!!"
Don Quioxte took the arrow from Sancho and hugged him. He said (This is the moral of the story and the reason ffor the arrow in my tattoo) - "My friend. This is the greatest gift I've ever received and I will cherish it forever. It is not the arrow that is the best part of the gift, but the whole night of effort and love and thought you spent just for me. THAT my dear Sancho, is my gift."
The best thing in life aren't THINGS.

pearlybaker pearlybaker
41-45, F
2 Responses Jan 7, 2013

People like you are the best things in life!

Wow!... Just, wow. So much feeling. Thank you for baring your soul.... bet that felt good?