Afraid To Go To Sleep, Most Of You Will Think This Is Odd

I have noc turnal seizures in my sleep and during the day but not realy much anymore are a different type simple complex type seizures..
Honestly the ones in my sleep scare me the most..My favorite 1st cousin she and i were true buds and hung out all the time for years..
Even when she got married i was her maid of honor. During this time she had epilepsy and the exact kind of seizures that i inherited, the only one from 7 kids. Well one day my Uncle called all upset and said you have to be calm about this, i was getting really scared..
He said i am sorry rochelle passed away in her sleep last night and because it was Saturday her poor hubby didn't get up until noon and tried to wake her and her lips were going blue so she must of died 2 hours after going to bed from a massive seizure. I went down there to be with my god daughters and her hubby and the rest of the family coming. It was a terrible time and i felt horible for her 2 young daughters
4 and 6 and i clung onto them tight. It wasn't getting in my head i'd never have her again to call and go clothes shopping and just goof around together with our friends. A few years later i got married but it was a short one as i was getting weird things happening to me and went to my doctor and he said panick attacks, but i never fit what people with panick attacks go through. My lovely 8 months old marrage went bye bye and i just didn't do much for 2 years. Then i met a man whom was bipolar who was so sweet i was sure i could make him happy, stupid, stupid pregnant right away {not planned} but loved my son to pieces but started waking up with my tongue all cut up.
This went on for months until a friend came over and i fell into a full blown seizure on the floor. She got me to a er and i stayed over night with test after test and because of family history i have exactly the same seizures as my cousin who passed away in her sleep did.
I started becoming freaked out going to sleep at night afraid i wouldn't wake up. I am lucky if i fall asleep sitting straght up from pure exhastion about 7 or 8 am. I don't like doing this at all but al i can think of is my specialist telling me i am still at high risk of me not waking up and pumping more pills in, not much of a life really, sometimes i wonder why i was ever put on this earth i do not fit in anywhere not even with the guy i am with now he is so cold and doesn't understand why i can't sleep and just yells:(
jj39 jj39
26-30, F
Jun 5, 2012