Reason To LiveSo, I am addiction-free, for now, but not for long if I do not learn how to live normally.
Looking back, I realize that I was really truly happy until the age of ten. I did have some pretty dysfunctional childhood and bad moments, but there were times when I was happy, things that I enjoyed, moments of peace and bliss, when it felt good to be alive.
Since I was ten, I have been depressed. I do not live anymore, I just function, cope, and survive. Honestly, there is nothing in this world that I enjoy except for food. It calms and soothes me, brings me comfort. I am a food addict if there ever was one. Since I was ten, I developped an eating disorder: I realized that I just could not stop eating. I needed to be chewing something all the time. Sure, I started struggling with my weight and went through bulimia, then anorexia, and eventually gave up and ate my way to obesity.
Then last year my doctor put me on a stimulant weight-loss medication, and I loved that medication. Not only did it completely kill my appetite, but it gave me energy and euphoria. I fell in love with the medication. I never abused it and did not even take it every day but it became my new addiction, reason to keep going. I was looking forward to taking it and just feeling high for a couple of hours.
I'm on a new non-stimulant medication now, and it does it job - I am not hungry. I can function, go to work, school etc. But my life is empty - there is nothing really that brings me joy. I just make it through the day, and thank God it is over. I don't really have any interests, nothing excites me. The best part of my day is the last couple of hours before going to sleep, when I know that this freaking day is almost over, I can pop my (OTC) sleeping pill and turn myself off.
What else I am addicted to? I guess achievement and success, but those are flimsy friends. But to pursue them I need something to fuel me - either food or that medication.
I have been depressed basically all my life, I am my worst enemy, I have a host of psychological problems, I am going through ob
juliexplosion 22-25 2 Responses 0 Aug 28, 2010