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Reason To Live

        So, I am addiction-free, for now, but not for long if I do not learn how to live normally.

        Looking back, I realize that I was really truly happy until the age of ten. I did have some pretty dysfunctional childhood and bad moments, but there were times when I was happy, things that I enjoyed, moments of peace and bliss, when it felt good to be alive.

      Since I was ten, I have been depressed. I do not live anymore, I just function, cope, and survive. Honestly, there is nothing in this world that I enjoy except for food. It calms and soothes me, brings me comfort. I am a food addict if there ever was one. Since I was ten, I developped an eating disorder: I realized that I just could not stop eating. I needed to be chewing something all the time. Sure, I started struggling with my weight and went through bulimia, then anorexia, and eventually gave up and ate my way to obesity.

    Then last year my doctor put me on a stimulant weight-loss medication, and I loved that medication. Not only did it completely kill my appetite, but it gave me energy and euphoria. I fell in love with the medication. I never abused it and did not even take it every day but it became my new addiction, reason to keep going. I was looking forward to taking it and just feeling high for a couple of hours.

    I'm on a new non-stimulant medication now, and it does it job - I am not hungry. I can function, go to work, school etc. But my life is empty - there is nothing really that brings me joy. I just make it through the day, and thank God it is over. I don't really have any interests, nothing excites me. The best part of my day is the last couple of hours before going to sleep, when I know that this freaking day is almost over, I can pop my (OTC) sleeping pill and turn myself off.

   What else I am addicted to? I guess achievement and success, but those are flimsy friends. But to pursue them I need something to fuel me - either food or that medication.

    I have been depressed basically all my life, I am my worst enemy, I have a host of psychological problems, I am going through objectively difficult period in my life (you will say "Who isn't?), and I don't know how to live. If addiction is the only thing that fuels me and I don't know any other way of coping, I will always be addicted to sth: pills, food, drinking, cutting, shopping... I see it clearly now, and I am going to learn how to live. I am Going to see my therapist next week (although I can barely afford it), but I'm in a serious trouble and I need help.
juliexplosion juliexplosion 22-25 2 Responses Aug 28, 2010

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I hope you get the help you need, maybe a support group might help you with people who have the same problems you do and you can offer each other tips on how to live and maybe you'll meet someone who likes you.

Julie, It breaks my heart to hear all your pain. I just scanned through your profile real quick and see you had a dysfunctional childhood and state here that you became depressed at the young age of 10. I too have depression but am healing and it's unbelievably exciting what God is doing for me in my life the last several years and even more so recently. Are you seeing a psychiatrist for medications? You state that you can barely afford your therapist next week. Do you see a therapist on a regular basis? Good luck. Blessings Always, ~Christyna