Afraid...always Hiding

Playing Pretend. Again and Again. What is really the point.? It saddens me that I have no one to confide in. No one to say....I cant stop. No one to reach out to and say "Please hit the brakes on this roller coaster!"

Its just me. Alone. What else is new. I am to afraid to dissapoint my friends and family by telling them that I havent made them all proud by beating this thing. Telling them that I am weak and not as strong as they are so proud to tell others. That I too, break under the pressure of just myself. That I am hard to battle everyday....in my mind....alone.

If they only knew, or could experience for one moment, half of what I live everyday. They would crumble. That is the only satisfaction that I now am able to grasp on too. So sad.

Such is my life.

KarmaKatcher KarmaKatcher
31-35, F
6 Responses Jun 3, 2007

Reading your story and the comments below really made me realize that being clean is the biggest gift. Going through addiction alone is painful and is hard, but you can get through it. There are always people there for you. You have shared your thoughts in the right place, and although you may not want to go to meetings, they saved my life. And I can only hope that they too will save yours. Best of luck to you. If you ever need anything, just ask.

My last run with the MDPV (bath salts) about killed me. 8 days later and I can walk upright and my eye sight is almost back. My brain still mush. Can't write much. There is a price to be paid for that kind of high. I don't want to pay it anymore.

I, too, am an addict. I struggle with addiction for a few months. But I was an ex addict 10 years ago. I understand your battles with this drug addiction alone. It really takes over your mind. I have entered that nightmare this week. I'm learning ways to support my addiction. I have no social life at home. It does get lonely at times. I go through withdrawals just about everyday. I deal with it somehow. I try to include God in my life anyway. I still have hopes. I pray that you reach out to someone from time to time to keep you from losing your mind.
It's not easy dealing with a drug addiction alone. I know, and I understand.

Even though I may be an addict, I can always lend you my ear if you need someone to talk to. Just holler.

We are not alone.

No one "outside" could ever grasp the pain, loneliness and stigma of addiction, they just don't know or even want to. Empathy is a word that gets thrown around a lot but the reality is that no one can truly understand another persons pain. Keep your head 'cause no one else will. Much regard for your struggle. They tell me it gets easier...Such a ray of sunshine right?

Depression is the same way. People are so afraid of being labeled crazy alot of people suffer in silence. I have reached out for help but nothing is working yet. I have been depressed since I was young. I hope you can find help. Even when you beat it, the day to day struggles to not do it will always be there. It is tough but it can be done in your own time.