I debated wether to join this group or one that uses the term "might have" an eating disorder. I've studied it. Logically I know I do. But sometimes I feel just utterly paranoid about it. I'm trapped in a world within that makes me feel paranoid about the world around me. I say I have one, I accept it, then I deny it. I say I'm recovering, then I stop eating. I feel insane! I question those around me who tell me I'm not fat. That's what you're supposed to say right? I question their honesty, and wonder why they lie. I look at myself and see all the weight I want to loose. But then I turn around and find myself wearing size small. I accept my eating disorder. Then I look at myself and question again. It must have been a fluke, the store just makes their sizes bigger. I look at old pictures and am frightened at the deep sockets that circle my eyes; the frailty of my body, and question how I ever could have looked at that girl in the mirror and called her fat.

I feel as though I don't know who to trust; do I trust what I see in the mirror? Or what those who love me say? I feel pathetic when I say I have an eating disorder, like I fail at meeting the criteria. I thought about going to a support group on the matter, but I feel as though others would regard me as pathetic, too fat to be sitting there. Like I wouldn't meet the standards. A fat girl in denial about her weight.

I'm so all over the place with this. One minute I accept it, the next I'm paranoid. Suddenly I'm not eating and I don't notice it. I just feel happy and high on it. Then my boyfriend will tell me I've stopped eating again. I'll notice it, but I don't really do anything about it. I'll eat something and feel as though I've been eating but he'll tell me I'm not eating enough. I question his words. How could I not be eating enough. Something takes over me and I think it's fine not to eat all day. Yet logically I know we're supposed to eat several times a day.

I'm trapped in a world between logic and knowledge and one of irrationality and paranoia. And I have no idea how to convince myself which of the two is the true reality.
danii92 danii92
22-25, F
Aug 27, 2014