A Glimpse...

You feel the energy pulsing through you. It throbs through every cell of your body. Your nerves are on fire, completely inflamed and outstretched, receptive to every whisper, any twitch of motion near you. Touch is so amplified. A pat becomes a slap, a light grasp a clutch, a caress amazing. A faint breeze raises goosebumps all over your flesh and teases your mind. You can hear everyone breathing silently and the entire world outside your house. It feels like your heart has released hundreds of fluttering insects into the cavities of your body. They are brushing against the walls, bubbling in your blood, palpitating in your heart. Disjointed thoughts race and flare over your eyes – blinding flashes in your sight. Every flicker is a new universe. But your mind is unable to concentrate. It all slips away and disappears as fast as it captivates you. Focus is too elusive. Distraction carries you randomly through the world. You start writing a paper then run to email your friend in another state then forget why you’re at the computer then start organizing your closet. You begin a conversation and sprint through topics blindingly. An endless flow of words leaps from your tongue. They scramble high and low in the room, swirl around your head. They sound so vital yet mean nothing and make no sense. There is a fascination in everything. The way the light filters into the room, the feel of the air on your skin, the sound of your incoherent words, your hair grazing your face, the texture of the plain, white wall. You want to feel, see, know, experience everything, now, now, NOW! You blink. You breathe. You lose your breath as your heart plummets in your chest. It leaves a gaping hole below the lump in your throat. Your mind screeches to a painful halt, deafening you, erasing every thought and sense. You stand frozen. All the brilliant, fascinating colors fade from the world. The dial turns down slowly, and it all becomes monotonous greys. The twitching bugs inside you have stopped flapping and fallen dead. Their corpses accumulate in those vacant cavities; they press on your lungs, fill your throat. You choke on them as they poison and paralyze your tongue. Your brain floats black and lifeless in your skull. It sloshes against the narrow walls, always sinking farther down. The world is so repulsive. Everything is thick and heavy and slow. You can barely move. The dreadful emotions have weighted every limb and muscle. Your sight has shrunk, grey and blurry around the edges. Sound is muffled and muted; it echoes slowly and softly through your head. You feel nothing. Your nerves have shriveled and died. They recede down below the surface where your skin still slightly tingles somewhere deep. You are bleeding on the inside. You can feel that heavy, warm, red liquid spilling from your veins, slipping down and filling you. You are drowning in yourself, being pulled to the bottom of an endless pit. You don’t care about anything. You can’t force yourself to worry about what you have to do or what you want. **** the world, and **** everyone in it. You just want to die. You blink. You breathe. Your head is spinning again. This is being bipolar.
m2extreme m2extreme
31-35, F
12 Responses Jun 22, 2011

Wow this is amazing writing. And describes perfectly what it feels like. Thank you for this.

Awesome communication. Your writing is lovely.

You defined it so well, nearing or resembling a dark poem.

Simply amazing! I have been on an 8 day manic episode now and I could not have described what I've been going through any better than you have. I can feel the confusion settling in though, and I believe I'm heading for the crash. I don't want it to end, it always does. Then I will be feeling, as you say, the bugs dying, utter contempt for the world and then finally complete, soul crushing despair. I applaud your honesty and perseverance. Thank you for the beautiful words!

That is the most beautiful and well-worded desc<x>ription I have ever read. I can totally relate to all of this but could never have voiced it so artfully. The part about distraction rings so true, I do that all the time start one thing and then lose track of what I'm doing and start something else. Honestly I don't even have the words right now to do this piece justice. You have incredible talent and vision. Thank you for sharing this!!!

i enjoyed reading this, good job...my favorite part was when you said you bl<x>ink, you breath in the middle of the article that was totally good...and i also liked "Your sight has shrunk, grey and blurry around the edges. Sound is muffled and muted; it echoes slowly." I think you captured a lot of common sense and I'm glad that you did because it is good for me. great job!

THE most definitive desc<x>ription of the complete and utter hell that we bipolars deal with. The stigma directed towards "us" would immediately dissipate and entirely vanish if "normal" people could spend 20 minutes in our minds and shoes in the throes of a severe "up" or "down." You are an incredible writer and I will cherish this post forever. Thank you - :) Bipolar One since early childhood (my belief)...peace

That was so honest and creative. You are a talented writer and I encourage you to continue to do so. <br />
An amazing account of the effects of the disorder on the mind and body. Thank You. I feel validated.

Wow! I am amazed! Don't think, anybody could describe the feeling better then you can! I am just not sure, why you finished it all with labeling the sensation as bi-polar. Maybe, i just don't necessaily like the label, because many people look at bi-polar the same as 'crazy' or 'irrational'. I think, its letting your emotions being part of your existence or life. I think, its natural to surpress our bi-polar nature, due to nurture and peer preasure and our desire to be 'human'. We are part of nature, and being so, we ought be allowed to listen to our bodys and relief those feelings freely, without suffering from feelings of inadequacy or depression. Tell a plant or a fly its not allowed to move towards sun light? Its against natures wishes... Again, love what you wrote!

I agree it does feel as if it goes against nature to repress these feelings or reactions to surroundings and general stimuli ... however, the problem with bipolar is you can't control the extremes in which you feel these emotions. They can hinder you from functioning in a normal capacity. That part sucks. LOL

Define normal! My 'ex-wife' was bi-polar. She had a wonderful mind and was functioning above and boyond what I would concidder normal. I think, the problem was the switch over from mania to depression. She would feel so disapointed in herself, that all off the sudden, all her energy was gone, and her body needed rest. Also, not wanting to be labeled 'crazy' which, to this day, I would argue was not crazy but normal. Until, she would look for reasons beyond her bi-polar nature that would cause that sensation. Off course, the first reason would be her husband! Lol! She felt like my lack of suport would ruin her 'mania' drive for accomplishment. Supposetly 20 percent of americans 'suffer' from bi-polar. I sometimes wonder, if they 'suffer' because 80 percent of us determined it to be an 'illness'? I see beauty in it, creativity, drive for acomplishment. How is that an 'illness'? Its what drives humanity...

well, i've always told my clients that normal is nothing but a setting on a dryer.
when you realize, that you do not function on the same energy, intellect, even emotional level as everyone around you does, it is hard to feel like you are acceptable. You see her actions, her spirit, and the way it affects her demeanor etc, however, you don't feel what she feels. To be on a constant emotional roller coaster is very very tedious and over whelming. I revel in some of my bipolar traits, I adore the fact that I can stay up for days on a whim....high off emotions that seem so intense to me in that moment I feel as if I can touch them. But, to function "in a normal capacity" as I stated...could be compared to the simple things, such as getting out of bed once you come down from that high and feeding yourself...clothing yourself. Putting gas in your car and going to work. When someone bipolar has exhausted their mania high and hit their low, even the smallest of tasks are insurmountable. And in that lies the illness... there is no balance, and balance in life is key. You go from one extreme to the next, without control...never knowing the length or speed in which they occur.
I feel for her...I know what it feels like to be considered brilliant and than fall short of being truly accomplished simply bcuz your mania down shifts. It is hard knowing you have the potential to be more than others in so many ways, and then know there is no way you can control that in any shape or form. It is a gift and a curse all at once. But....I try to accomplish what I can within my mania...and know that it always comes back. =)

you are a very talented writer thank you for sharing it was a very enlightening piece

I could have written those words myself. Though yours are more eloquent :)

Well, there's a difference between being "aware" and actually caring. Being bipolar doesn't negate my ability to observe others reactions or comprehend general responses... and I am highly aware of how people perceive it, lol but my ability to care, more like my "want" to care isn't usually in operation. Honestly, I prefer it that way. One less over heightened emotion for me to have to deal with. ;) thanks for reading it.