Why I Am So Lonely..

Growing up I was happy, had friends, couldn't wait for my future. Yet at the same time, my family was always bringing me down. They would tell me I looked fat and that I needed to lose weight. Constantly. At first, I was like 'okay?' and carried on with my day. Once I got to middle school, it really started to get to me. I was believing it and without even realizing it, I stopped eating. I didn't know until my friend asked me why I wasn't eating. That may sound really stupid, but it's true. I never even thought about it. I was feeling fine, so I decided to just keep doing it. Then I became addicted to not eating and how I looked. After two months, I wasn't seeing any change, which didn't make any sense to me. After 5 months I lost 15 pounds but looked fatter. So I kept starving myself. Eventually, I was depressed by the results and took it out on myself. I picked up self harm. 7 months after I started to stop eating, I lost 25 pounds and was still going. I was so depressed that I stopped talking to my family and lost most of my friends. I only had one friend who talked to me and that was because she was actually keeping me alive. She would text me everyday to make sure I was alive because I was also suicidal. She was the only one who knew everything and because of her, I am alive right now. I would text her after I would cut myself, skip a meal, everything. She tried so hard get my mind straight, but I was too sick to see it. Then there was my breaking point.
I was home alone one Saturday and I was having a really bad week. My thoughts were really strong and it was all just bad. I was planning to kill myself that night because no one was home. So I was in the bathroom with all the pills, getting ready to finally be happy. I left my phone in my room, but on vibrate. I took 5 pills and was ready to take 10 more. When I heard my phone go off. I knew it was my friend because she was the only one who ever texted me. I was "Why is she talking to me? Doesn't she see I am a mess." I had two pills in my hand when it went off again. "...Maybe she does care." The pills were in my mouth when the phone went off again. "Omg." I took the pills out of my mouth, fell to the ground, and cried. That was when I realized, I had a serious problem. That night was a huge wake up call for me. Since that night, I have yet to harm myself. One month later, her mom found out I cut myself and called the school, who called and told my mom. I thought I was going to die. My mom does not handle this type of things very well. She took me to therapy but I thought it was so pointless because I was over the whole self harm thing. Yeah, I still wanted too, but I never said that.
3 and a half years later, I still struggle with every single bit of it. I have nights where I am so depressed and all I want to do is harm myself because it was instant relief. But I have yet to do so to this day. I struggle with eating everyday and still always text my friend for support. She moved a year later, after everything and it has been so hard to go through high school without. Mainly because none of my friends know. One of the things I picked up is now I hate going out in public. I refuse to because I constantly think people are judging me and I always wonder what I looked like and how fat I look. So I have lost some friends because of that. I hate myself and never think I am good enough. Every meal, I think, "Do I want to eat? Do I need too? I'll be fine if I don't eat this meal." Even though it has been 3 years later, I am still struggling. I just take it day by day and it honestly sucks. Eating disorders sucks. Depression sucks. My life sucks. But I just have to Stay Strong.
hmtrumpet14 hmtrumpet14
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 21, 2013

Hang in there. Life may suck sometimes, I know this from experience. Eating disorders, depression, and feeling suicidal...it's all no joking matter. I can't stand when people say we all do it for attention. We really don't! I know where you're coming from with your family picking on you. I have been there at a point with my mom when I still lived with her before I went to live with my dad. Every day she would make a point of telling me how worthless I am. I am clean of cutting for about 6 months now, and as far as the eating disorder itself goes...I see a therapist. Hang in there hun, and if you need a friend...just message me.