I Am Just Not The Same.

I am newly divorced and was involved in a near fatel car accident. Upon arival to Denver Health Hospital I was unconsious with 12 broken ribs, collapsed lungs, intestine damage, muscle removed from the facia on my belly from the seat belt, and shattered legs.  I spent 3 weeks in a sedated coma in ICU, a month in an acute hospital setting, and another month and a half in a rehab hospital.

While in ICU had eight surgeries which include countless metal from my ankles to hips on both legs, and 4 abdomenal surgeries taking out half my intestines and leaving me with a wound vac across my whole belly and an ostomy bag.  I think the hardest thing to except then was **** sack I had attached to my side. 

Five months before the accident I started daing a good guy who has stood by me this whole time.  He has accepted and loves who I am and I am amazed he stayed with me.  I couldn't walk, I pee'd in a bed pan.. Im telling you, the little things that get taken for granted.

In Dec. I got the ostomy reversed but I am still left with my entire abdominal area scared and deformed.  I have scars on my neck from a tracheostomy.  My legs have countess lines of scars and marks from the stiches, staples, and pins.  Someday I may get plastic surgery as now I look like a monster.. but until then I need to learn how to love myself.  I am not wanting to go under the knife again, so I know it won't be anytime soon, plus the costs of the procedures.  It is just not going to be possible, I have two young daughters to raise still.  My belly is what bugs me the most and is the last thing I need to be speding money on.

I am trying to look past all the issues and just be thankful to be alive, but it is hard as I want my body back. 

I was able to go back to work in Jan and has been going well and has helped my mental state, but it is different.  I can't enjoy walking with the group.  It takes all I have to walk the campus with my fancy cane for a meeting ( and pay for it severly that evening. )  I know I will never be the same and it sucks.  The boys don't flirt with me anymore,  everyone is caring and loving, but it is just not the same.  I am looked at in pity and as a freak of nature.  I want to be noticed for me and not my scars and limpy walk.

I had more foot surgery two weeks ago making it number 10 in the last year... I hope it helps my mobility as this will help my body imagine in my own mind.

I am strong , and I have overcome the impossible.. but I still want to be beautiful.
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May 14, 2012