Why Do I Dislike Myself So Much

I always had a relationship with food; ever since i was a child my mum used to feed me non stop; but it became a problem when i used to eat behind my mums back that's when (when i look back now) it became a real problem. My mum would be out of the house and i would rustle something up or get a chocolate. I was a kid back then i didn't really have a care in the world; but i would wonder why i was bigger than everyone else. All my female cousins were slim and i was constantly compared, i went through secondary school suffering from the weight problem but although i would be sad about it i never let it get to me as much as it does now!

When i got into University i started to see that i was bigger than everyone else; guys did not pay me attention i was always referred to as the one with the pretty face, the pretty face was only used to make me feel better because i don't believe i am very pretty. I couldn't handle my emotions i started becoming ill with stress so i visited the doctor they set me on a plan i would get myself weighed every two weeks. Slowly i lost around 3 stones and everyone noticed; you've done so well they would tell me, oh my god don't loose any more weight etc.

But loosing that weight in comparison to my female cousins i was still big! They have high metabolism where as me i can eat a carrot and put 5lbs on. I still feel like i'm fat even though people around me can tell me i'm slim. I look at the scales and it's in the in the 60's kg mark i'm a size 8/10 but sometimes a 12 :( but i don't see these numbers i see a girl with fat arms a flabby back and a huge stomach. I hate the way i look, i cry myself to sleep i try to starve myself to loose weight but i can't handle the not eating because i love food. I work out but nothing comes off..i even hired personal trainer to help me loose weight but nothing!
I struggle to go out of the house on numerous occasions especially in the summer i see all these pretty girls with slim bodies where as i am covered head to toe my arms have never been on show because i hate them so much i have even considered surgery but i cannot afford it.
My family think i'm crazy because they don't see me as fat i'm so paranoid any comments anyone says i always think they saying it because i'm fat. I got to the stage where i wanted to slice the fat off with a knife but i know how crazy that is and people will think i've totally lost the plot. I know i shouldnt care about the way i look but i can't help it. To cover the hatred of my body i cake make up on my face spend money on buying clothes i don't need. I am so insecure to the extent when other people loose weight i get jealous.
I feel so alone because i cannot talk to anyone about this my family don't understand the lack of friends that i do have don't understand and believe i'm doing it for attention for the no you are slim maybe sometimes i want reassurance but i just hate my body :( Its so imperfect i look at magazine television and see these amazing slim toned women and then in front of the mirror i see me.

This insecurity is so bad that it has prevented me having relationships with guys i hate being set up on blind dates because i don't want a guy to see me and think look how fat she is..it's a horrible cycle i know people are far worse off than me but my problem seems so big and its taking over my life completely! I just want it all to stop :(
BrownEyes113 BrownEyes113
May 24, 2012